Worst. Commute. Ever.
July 11, 2011 - The City of Chicago endures a storm that lasts all of about 15 minutes and blows down some tree limbs. Effing chaos ensues for the Chicago Transit Authority. The following is my experience of the events, with all times a.m.
8:10 – It’s suddenly dark out. It was not dark out moments ago. That doesn’t seem good. I’d better get to the bus stop soon.
8:15 – It’s raining so loudly that I thought somebody had dumped gravel down my air conditioner or something. Awesome, this will be fun weather in which to walk to the bus stop. CTA bus tracker is not working. It says there are no busses anywhere. That seems improbable.
8:17 – It’s pouring sideways. In my best Forrest Gump voice, I say, “side-ways rain” to nobody at all and make my way to the bus stop. I have an umbrella, but that doesn’t prevent me from getting drenched from the waist down.
8:19 - Just watched a pigeon fly off a balcony, encounter the wind and rain, and turn back immediately. Then I looked into the Salvation Army store and watched what I hope was a small dog but was probably a rat scurry between clothing racks. The store is open and there are people in there. The end is nigh.
8:28 - Now on the bus, where the lady in front of me tried to scan her credit card instead of her bus pass, then took a solid 5 minutes to find the pass, gather herself, and close her umbrella.
8:33 - A lady who looks like a bigger Queen Latifah (yes, I meant bigger) got on and she is just dripping wet. She has what appears to be a shopping bag full of water, and is purposely dripping it over her forearm and hand. Actually...not so sure it isn't milk. So far, best commute ever.
8:40 - I get to the station at Loyola and a kid with headphones grabs me by the arm as I walk into the station and says, "No trains running." That is terrible for your mood, the opposite effect of when you hear "Long Train Running" by the Doobie Brothers, which just makes everything awesome.
8:48 – I’ve been watching train tracker on my phone, and I think there will be trains soon. I decide to take a bus north to the Howard stop so that I can catch an originating train and not stand at Loyola and watch overcrowded trains go by with no more room for me.
8:58 - Nearly did a coffee spit take because of the girl in front of me, whose keychain reads, "My parents told me I could be anything I wanted, so I became a lesbian."
9:15 – At the Howard station. There is a CTA employee in a camo hat telling everyone there are no trains and we will all have to take the bus. Why is he wearing a camo hat? Because judging by the weather, we all woke up in ‘nam today.
9:20 – I’m getting on a bus that claims to be the replacement for the purple line. I, along with many others, skip the formality of trying to scan our passes and go in the back door of the bus. Nobody tries to stop us. I think they’re probably just glad we aren’t flipping it over and lighting it ablaze.
9:30 – This bus is moving so slowly that I could literally get out and walk faster.
9:35 – The bus is moving faster. North, faster. I got on a bus going in the wrong effing direction. This is what I get for trusting other people and following them. I’m well into Evanston.
9:47 – The bus driver is lost. People up front are shouting directions at him. I will not be at work any time soon. I should have been there 20 minutes ago.
9:53 – People are exiting the bus like rats from a sinking ship. Every time it stops, they want out. I have no effing clue where we are, I'm not sure the passengers exiting know, and obviously the driver doesn't, either. There are downed tree limbs everywhere. The road ahead is blocked by a large branch and a lone Jeep Wrangler, presumably with the Dilophosaur-mangled corpse of Dennis Nedry inside. That's right, it's a Jurassic Park reference.
10:00 – I’m on a street called Green Bay, most likely because by now I’m in Goddamn Wisconsin. That’s fine; I’ve always wanted to see Lambeau.
10:02 – The bus in front of us has attempted a bus-impossible turn and is now blocking the whole intersection. Our driver gets out to go help. We’re next to a Metra station…I should really go take the Metra.
10:05 – The other bus has aborted the turn and pulled away, and our driver comes back. He attempts the same turn. We don’t make it…the first time. On the second try, he gets it, and the passengers applaud.
10:07 – We pull over outside Northwestern’s football stadium. For some reason, we have approached it from the West, even though we’re supposed to be following the Purple Line, which runs east of said stadium. Whatever. Many Northwestern students eagerly exit the bus. I am tempted to join them, but I resist. Northwestern is a good school, the students could probably guide me to a train, but this is getting too funny to quit on it now.
10:10 – Guess we missed a turn, because the bus just backed ½ a block down the street in order to make a left.
10:12 – Finally arrive at the northernmost stop on the Purple Line. FML.
10:13 – There are no trains running here. Why? Because there is no electricity. A man informs me that I’ll have to take a bus back down to Howard, which is precisely the opposite of what I just accidentally did. At least it’s not raining any more.
10:19 – I’m on another bus. I should have gone straight home from Loyola. There are downed tree limbs all over the place. Somebody has placed one of those orange construction “hurdles” with the light on top in front of a freaking huge tree branch that is blocking ¾ of the street. Yeah, thanks, we see it. Chicagoans seem to have a love affair with seemingly-unnecessary signage. I really hope the person who put it there did so because they ran into quite unexpectedly. "Boy, sure sounded like it rained hard a bit ago, huh? I love my new M Class. I just need to plug my phone in...whoops, almost spilled my Starbucks...Hey what the HELL?!? Who put a huge fucking tree branch in the middle of the street? I mean, there should really be a sign or something..."
10:26 – The bus is stopped at a 4-way intersection. The driver seems paralyzed with indecision because the road ahead is closed. An old man stops cleaning sticks out of his yard to come over and give the driver directions. To the right, there is a street sweeper operating. The street looks no different for its efforts.
10:30 – I’m trying to ponder why stucco is so popular in Evanston so that I won’t focus on my rising bladder pressure. I had a huge mug of coffee around 8:20 and have not encountered a bathroom since.
10:34 – I kinda like the houses in Evanston. Might be talked into living there someday.
10:39 – Hey! We just drove past my State Farm agent’s office. Like a good neighbor, State Farm there…with heavy narcotics to make me not hate this! There’s an L train running alongside us on the purple line track. It has all signage rolled to “Not In Service.” Yeah, thanks, we’re aware.
10:42 – Basically if somebody waves or makes a gesture like they want on the bus, the driver picks them up, regardless of our proximity to any kind of logical stopping point. Fortunately, so far that’s only 3 people. A dude with epic dreadlocks gets on.
10:43 – Epic dread guy immediately regretted his decision to get on the bus, evidently. After like a block he saw fit to pull the emergency open handle on the back door and go running off the bus. This triggered some kind of alarm bell that 1) Is annoying 2) won’t stop and 3) won’t allow the bus to move. The driver is trying to tell me to do something to make it stop, but he is so Middle Eastern that I can’t really understand him. He tries shutting some things off and on, including the bus itself. Still ringing. He comes back and messes with the emergency handle. Still ringing. Defeated, he says through his heavy accent, “You have to walk.” Those must have been the magic words, because the bell stops and the bus begins to move again.
10:45 – I’m back at Howard. I desperately need a restroom, but the L stations don’t have restrooms. Probably for the better most times, but right now I wish they had some. I set out in search of a business that will have a public restroom.
10:50 – I have used the restroom in a Subway shop, in spite of myriad signs that say they’re for customers only. As a gesture of good faith, I decide I’ll buy a cookie. I walk up to the cashier and begin browsing the cookies. The cashier, though not helping anyone else, does not acknowledge me whatsoever. I leave.
10:57 – I’m on a Red Line train, an hour and a half after I originally got to the Loyola station. Oh boy, only another hour and I’ll be at work!
11:04 – I finally get around to opening my newspaper. On the front pages is a story about a massive train derailment in India that killed over 30 people and wounded many more. Could be worse, I guess. It smells enough like piss on the red line that I could have skipped Subway and pissed right on the train and nobody would likely have noticed. The CTA Red Line: Rail transit by day, piss-soaked hobo lodging by night.
11:27 – A man is leaving the train wearing a jacket on just one of his arms…presumably because he was only half cold.
11:55 – I’m finally at work, and only just shy of 3 hours after I left. Thanks, CTA! Another great job!
8:10 – It’s suddenly dark out. It was not dark out moments ago. That doesn’t seem good. I’d better get to the bus stop soon.
8:15 – It’s raining so loudly that I thought somebody had dumped gravel down my air conditioner or something. Awesome, this will be fun weather in which to walk to the bus stop. CTA bus tracker is not working. It says there are no busses anywhere. That seems improbable.
8:17 – It’s pouring sideways. In my best Forrest Gump voice, I say, “side-ways rain” to nobody at all and make my way to the bus stop. I have an umbrella, but that doesn’t prevent me from getting drenched from the waist down.
8:19 - Just watched a pigeon fly off a balcony, encounter the wind and rain, and turn back immediately. Then I looked into the Salvation Army store and watched what I hope was a small dog but was probably a rat scurry between clothing racks. The store is open and there are people in there. The end is nigh.
8:28 - Now on the bus, where the lady in front of me tried to scan her credit card instead of her bus pass, then took a solid 5 minutes to find the pass, gather herself, and close her umbrella.
8:33 - A lady who looks like a bigger Queen Latifah (yes, I meant bigger) got on and she is just dripping wet. She has what appears to be a shopping bag full of water, and is purposely dripping it over her forearm and hand. Actually...not so sure it isn't milk. So far, best commute ever.
8:40 - I get to the station at Loyola and a kid with headphones grabs me by the arm as I walk into the station and says, "No trains running." That is terrible for your mood, the opposite effect of when you hear "Long Train Running" by the Doobie Brothers, which just makes everything awesome.
8:48 – I’ve been watching train tracker on my phone, and I think there will be trains soon. I decide to take a bus north to the Howard stop so that I can catch an originating train and not stand at Loyola and watch overcrowded trains go by with no more room for me.
8:58 - Nearly did a coffee spit take because of the girl in front of me, whose keychain reads, "My parents told me I could be anything I wanted, so I became a lesbian."
9:15 – At the Howard station. There is a CTA employee in a camo hat telling everyone there are no trains and we will all have to take the bus. Why is he wearing a camo hat? Because judging by the weather, we all woke up in ‘nam today.
9:20 – I’m getting on a bus that claims to be the replacement for the purple line. I, along with many others, skip the formality of trying to scan our passes and go in the back door of the bus. Nobody tries to stop us. I think they’re probably just glad we aren’t flipping it over and lighting it ablaze.
9:30 – This bus is moving so slowly that I could literally get out and walk faster.
9:35 – The bus is moving faster. North, faster. I got on a bus going in the wrong effing direction. This is what I get for trusting other people and following them. I’m well into Evanston.
9:47 – The bus driver is lost. People up front are shouting directions at him. I will not be at work any time soon. I should have been there 20 minutes ago.
9:53 – People are exiting the bus like rats from a sinking ship. Every time it stops, they want out. I have no effing clue where we are, I'm not sure the passengers exiting know, and obviously the driver doesn't, either. There are downed tree limbs everywhere. The road ahead is blocked by a large branch and a lone Jeep Wrangler, presumably with the Dilophosaur-mangled corpse of Dennis Nedry inside. That's right, it's a Jurassic Park reference.
10:00 – I’m on a street called Green Bay, most likely because by now I’m in Goddamn Wisconsin. That’s fine; I’ve always wanted to see Lambeau.
10:02 – The bus in front of us has attempted a bus-impossible turn and is now blocking the whole intersection. Our driver gets out to go help. We’re next to a Metra station…I should really go take the Metra.
10:05 – The other bus has aborted the turn and pulled away, and our driver comes back. He attempts the same turn. We don’t make it…the first time. On the second try, he gets it, and the passengers applaud.
10:07 – We pull over outside Northwestern’s football stadium. For some reason, we have approached it from the West, even though we’re supposed to be following the Purple Line, which runs east of said stadium. Whatever. Many Northwestern students eagerly exit the bus. I am tempted to join them, but I resist. Northwestern is a good school, the students could probably guide me to a train, but this is getting too funny to quit on it now.
10:10 – Guess we missed a turn, because the bus just backed ½ a block down the street in order to make a left.
10:12 – Finally arrive at the northernmost stop on the Purple Line. FML.
10:13 – There are no trains running here. Why? Because there is no electricity. A man informs me that I’ll have to take a bus back down to Howard, which is precisely the opposite of what I just accidentally did. At least it’s not raining any more.
10:19 – I’m on another bus. I should have gone straight home from Loyola. There are downed tree limbs all over the place. Somebody has placed one of those orange construction “hurdles” with the light on top in front of a freaking huge tree branch that is blocking ¾ of the street. Yeah, thanks, we see it. Chicagoans seem to have a love affair with seemingly-unnecessary signage. I really hope the person who put it there did so because they ran into quite unexpectedly. "Boy, sure sounded like it rained hard a bit ago, huh? I love my new M Class. I just need to plug my phone in...whoops, almost spilled my Starbucks...Hey what the HELL?!? Who put a huge fucking tree branch in the middle of the street? I mean, there should really be a sign or something..."
10:26 – The bus is stopped at a 4-way intersection. The driver seems paralyzed with indecision because the road ahead is closed. An old man stops cleaning sticks out of his yard to come over and give the driver directions. To the right, there is a street sweeper operating. The street looks no different for its efforts.
10:30 – I’m trying to ponder why stucco is so popular in Evanston so that I won’t focus on my rising bladder pressure. I had a huge mug of coffee around 8:20 and have not encountered a bathroom since.
10:34 – I kinda like the houses in Evanston. Might be talked into living there someday.
10:39 – Hey! We just drove past my State Farm agent’s office. Like a good neighbor, State Farm there…with heavy narcotics to make me not hate this! There’s an L train running alongside us on the purple line track. It has all signage rolled to “Not In Service.” Yeah, thanks, we’re aware.
10:42 – Basically if somebody waves or makes a gesture like they want on the bus, the driver picks them up, regardless of our proximity to any kind of logical stopping point. Fortunately, so far that’s only 3 people. A dude with epic dreadlocks gets on.
10:43 – Epic dread guy immediately regretted his decision to get on the bus, evidently. After like a block he saw fit to pull the emergency open handle on the back door and go running off the bus. This triggered some kind of alarm bell that 1) Is annoying 2) won’t stop and 3) won’t allow the bus to move. The driver is trying to tell me to do something to make it stop, but he is so Middle Eastern that I can’t really understand him. He tries shutting some things off and on, including the bus itself. Still ringing. He comes back and messes with the emergency handle. Still ringing. Defeated, he says through his heavy accent, “You have to walk.” Those must have been the magic words, because the bell stops and the bus begins to move again.
10:45 – I’m back at Howard. I desperately need a restroom, but the L stations don’t have restrooms. Probably for the better most times, but right now I wish they had some. I set out in search of a business that will have a public restroom.
10:50 – I have used the restroom in a Subway shop, in spite of myriad signs that say they’re for customers only. As a gesture of good faith, I decide I’ll buy a cookie. I walk up to the cashier and begin browsing the cookies. The cashier, though not helping anyone else, does not acknowledge me whatsoever. I leave.
10:57 – I’m on a Red Line train, an hour and a half after I originally got to the Loyola station. Oh boy, only another hour and I’ll be at work!
11:04 – I finally get around to opening my newspaper. On the front pages is a story about a massive train derailment in India that killed over 30 people and wounded many more. Could be worse, I guess. It smells enough like piss on the red line that I could have skipped Subway and pissed right on the train and nobody would likely have noticed. The CTA Red Line: Rail transit by day, piss-soaked hobo lodging by night.
11:27 – A man is leaving the train wearing a jacket on just one of his arms…presumably because he was only half cold.
11:55 – I’m finally at work, and only just shy of 3 hours after I left. Thanks, CTA! Another great job!
posted by Beav at 1:15 PM
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