ADD: One - Beav: Zero
Okay, first of all let me start by saying that I turned down sex last night so that I could come home and get enough sleep so that I wouldn't be exhausted for class today. WHAT???? Who the hell am I and what did I do with the version of myself I know?!? I guess I was really tired, and knew that I was a little too drunk (On a Tuesday, mind you...I think I'm turning into a quasi-alcholic again) to perform to the fullest of my sexual potential, but still, WHAT???? This is a new and terrible milestone in my life. This is proof positive that it's true what they say: I, being now 22 years old, am beyond my peak of sexual motivation, and it's all downhill from here. I have entered a phase in my life where sleep is gaining on sex in terms of importance, and that's scary. Really, really scary.
Enough about last night, here's the major event for today:
9/29/04
Today I revisited a recurring theme in my life. I had to scrap a class because I wasted too much time early on in the semester. As I drove through the parking lot at school, it was 11:00. My Research Methods and Analysis class begins at 11:00, and my TA hates it when people are late. I've been personally warned about this. I've skipped once. I've flat out not done several assignments. I did relatively badly on the first exam. Today I have only 5 of the 6 completed surveys I am supposed to turn in. Maria is going to unleash the Latina fury on me...and God only knows how hard I'll have to work to salvage something resembling a decent grade in this class. I come upon an empty parking space and start to pull in. I suddenly say to myself, "Fuck it, I'm dropping." I begin thinking of how much I'll have to accomplish today, and indeed all week, to make myself feel productive again. I go home, log into n-roll, and drop the class. My dad would lynch me if he knew I were doing this. I am pissed, because I'm letting ADD win the battle for my mind again.
Let me bring you up to speed: As a child, I fit literally ALL of the diagnostic categories for Attention Deficit Disorder, an Axis One Clinical Disorder as defined by the DSM-IV. For those of you non-psych majors, the DSM-IV is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Version, which is used as a guideline for psychiatric diagnoses. To be "officially" diagnosed with ADD, one must fit the following description:
(1) inattention: six (or more) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:
(a) often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities
(b) often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
(c) often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
(d) often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish school work, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)
(e) often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
(f) often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework)
(g) often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools)
(h) is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
(i) is often forgetful in daily activities
As a kid, I fit not just six, but all 10 of these. As an adult, I still fit many. Now you may be thinking "That sounds like any kid!" Nononono, you don't understand, if I had a dollar for every time an elementary school teacher said to me "Daniel, where are you going??" or "Daniel, are you listening?" I'd have a shit ton of dollars. I had to spend time with the school counselor playing board games about my feelings with the two most obnoxious kids from my grade because evidently that's what I needed...I don't know. Let's just say that there were frequent meetings with and phone calls to my mother about what I was or was not doing in school. One of my teachers in particular had to work with my parents to devise a system by which I would be rewarded at home (a.k.a. bribed) for consistently doing the shit that other little kids have no problem just sitting down and doing. Any kid fits the above diagnostic categories sometimes. I fit them always.
I was not, however, hyperactive, only because I only really met 3 of these criteria and not the necessary six. Okay, maybe four:
Hyperactivity
(a) often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat (yep)
(b) often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected (like a motherfucker. Even I didn't know where I was going)
(c) often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness) (yeah, restlessness...)
(d) often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly
(e) is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor" (my mother put bells on my shoes when I was very small to keep track of where I was, and also would sometimes put one of those "kid wrist leash" things on me in public. Eventually she stopped with the leash because of how clearly degrading I found it)
(f) often talks excessively
Let's finish the diagnosis:
B. Some hyperactive-impulsive or inattentive symptoms that caused impairment were present before age 7 years. (yep, if by "some" you mean "all")
C. Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g., at school [or work] and at home). (yep)
D. There must be clear evidence of clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning. (shit yes, academics. socially I was fine.)
Not only did I technically "have" ADD (minus the most flagrant of the hyperactivity symptoms), I could have been the fucking poster child. If I didn't have good parents, I can only imagine what an intolerable little shit I would have become.
Note the key concept in item D, "significant impairment in academic functioning". Now, I don't make excuses about getting shitty grades, because I have the ability to do just fine. Shit, I made Dean's List last semester. But if I lose focus, I also (much more than the average person) have the ability to fail out of school, which I nearly did freshman year. I also managed to fail some classes in high school. At any given time on a high school class grade report, my rundown would look like this:
Test 1: 94%
Test 2: 89%
Test 3: 92%
In-Class Discussion: 100%
Homework: 5%
Overall Grade: F
Now, I don't need to take pause to brag about my ACT score. I don't need to sit here and stroke my own intellectual cock. If you know me well enough and care enough, you know what my score was. Let's just say I have no business failing anything, and I've failed a fair amount of shit in my scholastic career. I should have a 4.0 GPA. I don't quite have a 3.2 GPA. I wonder how many people who bust their asses to get the B's I pull by not even trying would love to form a line and kick me in the gonads. Hell, sometimes I wish I could kick myself in the gonads for operating so far below my potential, but I'm not that flexible. Don't misread this as a bunch of self-pity, or me excusing myself for doing shit like having to drop a class because I'm already fucking it up by the end of September. Let it just be understood that for me, it's always been a real bitch to focus on the hard parts, but all that ultimately means is I need to be more disciplined than the average person to get through the drudgery.
Dealing with the things in life that I enjoy, now that's where ADD's glorious twin, "hyperfocus" comes into play. Hyperfocus is what makes me amazing at some things. Hyperfocus is why I can spend from 10:00 at night until 4:00 in the morning arranging music, etc. Hyperfocus is what makes me better at the things I love than damn near anyone. Hyperfocus is what makes peope say "You're so good at (task/activity), why are you failing such an easy class?" Or how about this one? "You can spend 8 hours straight playing some goddamn video game, but you can't spend an hour doing your assignment?" Um...yeah, basically. It's not that I'm lazy, Bob, it's just that I don't have the sort of amazingly overdeveloped Superego I need to make it happen.
Basically all of this means that Beav needs to work harder, which means that Beav needs to get back to meditating. Beav doesn't want to. Meditating makes Beav a much more boring person by many definitions. Bye bye goes the desire for lots of drinking, fornicating and general acts of hilarity. Drinking, fornicating and causing hilarity are FUN...but when I get all meditative and have that sort of calm, esoteric happiness, I don't need shallow sources of pleasure. Shallow sources of pleasure lead to funny stories.
Bye bye, also, goes the mean streak that provides for the sort of humor my friends have come to know and love, and my enemies have come to know and hate. Nobody wants to read a blog about how I walked around all day feeling as though life is a gift, and took joy in the smallest of details about my day, such as the smell of the air, was nice to everyone, then did my homework and went to sleep at a reasonable hour. They want to read FUNNY things.
Ay, me. I'd better do it anyhow. I did it last semester and it just might have been the single most focused, productive, rewarding stretch of my life. If I plan on getting into grad school, I just might want to be productive.
If you need me, I'll be working on slowing down the pace of my mind. The groin kick line forms to the left.
Enough about last night, here's the major event for today:
9/29/04
Today I revisited a recurring theme in my life. I had to scrap a class because I wasted too much time early on in the semester. As I drove through the parking lot at school, it was 11:00. My Research Methods and Analysis class begins at 11:00, and my TA hates it when people are late. I've been personally warned about this. I've skipped once. I've flat out not done several assignments. I did relatively badly on the first exam. Today I have only 5 of the 6 completed surveys I am supposed to turn in. Maria is going to unleash the Latina fury on me...and God only knows how hard I'll have to work to salvage something resembling a decent grade in this class. I come upon an empty parking space and start to pull in. I suddenly say to myself, "Fuck it, I'm dropping." I begin thinking of how much I'll have to accomplish today, and indeed all week, to make myself feel productive again. I go home, log into n-roll, and drop the class. My dad would lynch me if he knew I were doing this. I am pissed, because I'm letting ADD win the battle for my mind again.
Let me bring you up to speed: As a child, I fit literally ALL of the diagnostic categories for Attention Deficit Disorder, an Axis One Clinical Disorder as defined by the DSM-IV. For those of you non-psych majors, the DSM-IV is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Version, which is used as a guideline for psychiatric diagnoses. To be "officially" diagnosed with ADD, one must fit the following description:
(1) inattention: six (or more) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:
(a) often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities
(b) often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
(c) often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
(d) often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish school work, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)
(e) often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
(f) often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework)
(g) often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools)
(h) is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
(i) is often forgetful in daily activities
As a kid, I fit not just six, but all 10 of these. As an adult, I still fit many. Now you may be thinking "That sounds like any kid!" Nononono, you don't understand, if I had a dollar for every time an elementary school teacher said to me "Daniel, where are you going??" or "Daniel, are you listening?" I'd have a shit ton of dollars. I had to spend time with the school counselor playing board games about my feelings with the two most obnoxious kids from my grade because evidently that's what I needed...I don't know. Let's just say that there were frequent meetings with and phone calls to my mother about what I was or was not doing in school. One of my teachers in particular had to work with my parents to devise a system by which I would be rewarded at home (a.k.a. bribed) for consistently doing the shit that other little kids have no problem just sitting down and doing. Any kid fits the above diagnostic categories sometimes. I fit them always.
I was not, however, hyperactive, only because I only really met 3 of these criteria and not the necessary six. Okay, maybe four:
Hyperactivity
(a) often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat (yep)
(b) often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected (like a motherfucker. Even I didn't know where I was going)
(c) often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness) (yeah, restlessness...)
(d) often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly
(e) is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor" (my mother put bells on my shoes when I was very small to keep track of where I was, and also would sometimes put one of those "kid wrist leash" things on me in public. Eventually she stopped with the leash because of how clearly degrading I found it)
(f) often talks excessively
Let's finish the diagnosis:
B. Some hyperactive-impulsive or inattentive symptoms that caused impairment were present before age 7 years. (yep, if by "some" you mean "all")
C. Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g., at school [or work] and at home). (yep)
D. There must be clear evidence of clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning. (shit yes, academics. socially I was fine.)
Not only did I technically "have" ADD (minus the most flagrant of the hyperactivity symptoms), I could have been the fucking poster child. If I didn't have good parents, I can only imagine what an intolerable little shit I would have become.
Note the key concept in item D, "significant impairment in academic functioning". Now, I don't make excuses about getting shitty grades, because I have the ability to do just fine. Shit, I made Dean's List last semester. But if I lose focus, I also (much more than the average person) have the ability to fail out of school, which I nearly did freshman year. I also managed to fail some classes in high school. At any given time on a high school class grade report, my rundown would look like this:
Test 1: 94%
Test 2: 89%
Test 3: 92%
In-Class Discussion: 100%
Homework: 5%
Overall Grade: F
Now, I don't need to take pause to brag about my ACT score. I don't need to sit here and stroke my own intellectual cock. If you know me well enough and care enough, you know what my score was. Let's just say I have no business failing anything, and I've failed a fair amount of shit in my scholastic career. I should have a 4.0 GPA. I don't quite have a 3.2 GPA. I wonder how many people who bust their asses to get the B's I pull by not even trying would love to form a line and kick me in the gonads. Hell, sometimes I wish I could kick myself in the gonads for operating so far below my potential, but I'm not that flexible. Don't misread this as a bunch of self-pity, or me excusing myself for doing shit like having to drop a class because I'm already fucking it up by the end of September. Let it just be understood that for me, it's always been a real bitch to focus on the hard parts, but all that ultimately means is I need to be more disciplined than the average person to get through the drudgery.
Dealing with the things in life that I enjoy, now that's where ADD's glorious twin, "hyperfocus" comes into play. Hyperfocus is what makes me amazing at some things. Hyperfocus is why I can spend from 10:00 at night until 4:00 in the morning arranging music, etc. Hyperfocus is what makes me better at the things I love than damn near anyone. Hyperfocus is what makes peope say "You're so good at (task/activity), why are you failing such an easy class?" Or how about this one? "You can spend 8 hours straight playing some goddamn video game, but you can't spend an hour doing your assignment?" Um...yeah, basically. It's not that I'm lazy, Bob, it's just that I don't have the sort of amazingly overdeveloped Superego I need to make it happen.
Basically all of this means that Beav needs to work harder, which means that Beav needs to get back to meditating. Beav doesn't want to. Meditating makes Beav a much more boring person by many definitions. Bye bye goes the desire for lots of drinking, fornicating and general acts of hilarity. Drinking, fornicating and causing hilarity are FUN...but when I get all meditative and have that sort of calm, esoteric happiness, I don't need shallow sources of pleasure. Shallow sources of pleasure lead to funny stories.
Bye bye, also, goes the mean streak that provides for the sort of humor my friends have come to know and love, and my enemies have come to know and hate. Nobody wants to read a blog about how I walked around all day feeling as though life is a gift, and took joy in the smallest of details about my day, such as the smell of the air, was nice to everyone, then did my homework and went to sleep at a reasonable hour. They want to read FUNNY things.
Ay, me. I'd better do it anyhow. I did it last semester and it just might have been the single most focused, productive, rewarding stretch of my life. If I plan on getting into grad school, I just might want to be productive.
If you need me, I'll be working on slowing down the pace of my mind. The groin kick line forms to the left.
posted by Beav at 9:07 AM
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