From time to time my friends Wood, A-Lamb and I like to have online "rap battles" where we essentially make up rhymes as though we were rapping. The upside is that nobody can tell how blatantly white we are online, and some of the stuff is hilarious. The key to finding it funny is 60% catching the references and 40% realizing that we're not serious at all. Here are some highlights:
DDBeavers: territory? bitch, please. I'll bring game so hot you'll get weak in the knees. you'll be sweatin' and droppin' like O-line for the Vikes, 'cause that's how Beav does when Beav steps to the mic
Atwood333: Mutha, you better step off your soapbox. Cause I'm at the podium, spittin' game that rocks. I'm like Richard Nixon, talkin' bout Watergate, But people know I'm the greatest, so this ain't no debate.
fudelco03: Well i got beav and wood with a dose of A' Lamb. When the mic is hot Who is the man. We all know the answer cause he's The cheese. Not saying
Whos next in line may i help you please(refers to the McDonald's employee in Illinois with the ultra high-pitched voice who had Beav, Wood and Maxey laughing until it hurt)
DDBeavers: Now look at young fun-size all up in our room, our sweetass cologne just acquired perfume, so can the female handle our rhymin' styles, or are inches to height like the rhymes is to miles?
(refers to our 5'0" friend Lindsay joining the chat room)
(A-Lamb's little sister joins in)
fudelco03: Well I'm THE little A-Lamb, yes I'm here to say: That I rap hardcore like every-day. Sure my rhymes aren't written out, and they aren't in ink, but it doesn't really matter, it's just what I think
fudelco03: Queen Latifah once said to me, that I don't need a man, just Unity. U-N-I-T-Y you see, it's what I want to happen with you and me. But now it's time for me to say goodbye, so I'll holla atcha later, Adam, get your D outta Ian's Eye.
Atwood333: Oh snap, it seems that that was the last straw. Lindsay left, while A-Lamb put up a guffaw. Now Little Lamb wants up in the mix? Pssh, she's got a grasp on rhyming, like the rabbit does Trix.
DDBeavers: why you got to get mad just 'cause my rhymes is tight? if it came down to need I could kick flows all night. don't think I can't spit verse just 'cause I'm wicked white, 'cause you all I know I gets hot like a halogen light
fudelco03: Ok beav i got your back. Your white as powder the albino mak. He aint got game but he sure tries. But when the women come your skin hurts their eyes
DDBeavers: Dog, why you playin? You got it all wrong. When the women come by I'm all up in their thong. Then when it's time I tear it up like a shark, and it don't matter 'bout my white skin in the dark.
Atwood333: My color ain't salmon, it's more like Maroon, uh. Only thing fishy bout me is when I'm smellin' that tuna. The ladies, I mean. Cause you know I got mack on. And I just felt up your mom, so that's another one I can tack on.
(referring to Lindsay losing her connection and constantly getting booted from the chat room)
DDBeavers: man, why can't she stay her short ass in the room? that girl is trippin' like she was on shrooms. she's got some issues like Sports Illustrated, and I done with this rhyme now. My skill's demonstrated.
fudelco03: Well dan i can see your skill. Except its liek a one legged man climbing up a hill. Its partially tight Like a potato sack race. Cause when the time comes i'll be bustin yo' face
Atwood333: Jeff's not getting the point, this here's a rap battle. You see, I'm spanking these guys, but I ain't got a paddle. It's my words that are lethal, just like that DJ's. So go back with your gay friends, the Khays and BJ's.
(refers to their friend Jeff who tried to join in, but was so horrible he wasn't worth paying attention to.
Khay: a flamboyantly gay guy they knew in high school.
BJ: a total douchebag our friend Ashley Warren once brought to a party of ours. He was a member of Pi Kappa Alpha, and nobody liked him. We suspected him of being a closet homosexual. He had the weakest handshake ever, gave us a fake name, and got into an argument in which he insisted that ALL Asians are short. Dave, Atwood and I were in the kitchen informing Ashley that her boy-toy was a tool, and she was trying to defend him when A-Lamb walked in and without being prompted said "Hey, I dunno about you guys, but I'm not feelin' this guy B.J.", causing all of the guys to laugh our asses off.)
DDBeavers: Well you flow kinda sexy like that girl Minnie Driver, but I flow on the spot like my name was McGuyver. Like the old champ Evander you know I'm the real deal, and I'm off in high gear while you're spinnin' your wheels
byte size 85: spinnin my wheels, pshh, i drive me a hummer/ when you hear me you know its a bummer cause i got more skills than an olympic athlete - should i rap or be runnin in a track meet?
Atwood333: I'm like George Foreman, all up in your grill. But there's no need to cry over the milk that you spill. My rhymes are Benedict Arnold, you think they're committing treason. So, fuck that milk, dawg. These lines are the reason.
DDBeavers: I know you ain't comin' here sayin' I'm gay. Man I'm not in the closet like that guy B.J. I'll shake hands so strong that I'm bending your ring, and I know 'bout tall Asians like the Rockets' Yao Ming
Atwood333: Like A-Lamb to BJ, dude I'm not feelin you. Cause you think you're better than me and you know that ain't true. I got trophies and plaques. Records platinum and gold. My rhymes stay fresh while yours are musty and old.
DDBeavers: Talkin' bout Benedict Arnold? That's back in the day, like pre-Run DMC and NWA, but go back to the bronze age, or whenever you choose, you'll be habilis to my erectus: You ain't got the tools.
Atwood333: Y'all should bow down to my lines as you see 'em. Shit, they're so precious, they should be in a museum. Next to Biggie and Tupac, I'll be hanging on the wall. While you put your weak-ass lines up in the bathroom stall
DDBeavers: When I bust out my verse man I know that you feel this, but when you speak crowds think "Wutchu talkin' 'bout Willis?" Your flow is just rattlin' like a card in your spokes while the ladies go nuts for my different strokes
Atwood333: Bustin' out the old sitcoms? Dude you know that ain't right. Next thing you know I'll be sayin' "DYNOMITE!" Different Strokes? With Janet Jackson and shit? Oh right, that's the lady with the Super Bowl tit.
fudelco03: Maybe it was a mistake asking this fool to come. He needs to go to pre-school and re-learn step one. The rapping game is complex a little to hard for you. Stop rappin right now wait take lindsay with you
Atwood333: Jeff, my man, there's a thing I got to know. How can it be a river when it's got no flow? But don't listen to Lamb, he's got no room to diss. He thinks he can spit, but it just comes out piss.
DDBeavers: I don't know who brought ya'll in, but you're not up to par. It's like we're in the restaurant and you're still in the car. So our food is comin' while we snack on hours'd'erves, but it's just you and Coppock who keep gettin' served
byte size 85: a-lamb i think you have some self-esteem issues. if it weren't for your outbursts here i'd be getting you some tissues
DDBeavers: what is all this now? just two rhymes per verse? that's cheap imitation like a fake Prada purse. If you can't take the heat then you best to quit bitchin, and make like a gay chef and come out the kitchen
Atwood333: Goddammit kids, you got me pissing my pants. I'm so full of laughter, I need to get up and dance. But wait, I'm white. That skill has escaped me. My moving's so painful, you'd think someone ass-raped me.
DDBeavers: Yo I may be snow-white but I know how to dance. Maybe that's why Pike B.J. wants into my pants. But Wood cannot shake it, I know this for fact. His dancin's like his sex, it's all just plain whack
fudelco03: Fuck that shit go back to first grade. Stop your poems you'll never get laid. See i called em that they aren't even raps. Call your grandma and play slap jack
Atwood333: A-Lamb's gonna quit, I think he must be defeated. My wit is so sharp, he must have got shredded-wheated. My stomach's growling. It's time for some dinner. So let's get this over with, and announce me the winner.
DDBeavers: You ain't won a thing, but I see A-Lamb is done. Your meter is broke and your rhymes slippin', son. Just realize your role and resign to the aces, and admit me and Wood put you all in your places.
fudelco03: atwood just stop theres no time on the clock. Just liek your shot it's gonna get blocked. Fuck Dan A-lamb is still here. Capable of rappin but not being a queer. You two go make love and call me later. I will be the one left sayin "Bis Spater"
Atwood333: It's your shit that's blocked. I'm waving fingers like Mutumbo's. So listen with them ears that look just like Dumbo's. You must get this straight, I am sicker than thou. And I keep blockin' them shots, just like my name's Yao.
DDBeavers: If we're bringing back Yao, then let's bring back OddJob, who reminds me of Wood, only not such a slob, just like he threw sharp hats now I'm throwing the verse, and he could take off heads, but I'll do you one worse 'cause I'll take off your pride and you're left all alone, and your friends are ashamed to have you in their phone, so you're sittin' bored like A-Lamb on a weekend, 'cause he's stranded in Wayne while I'm straight Lincoln-freakin'
Atwood333: Dude, you went to that level? you know that ain't right. Cause I got plenty of things that'll make up for height. My spit, my game, my bottle o' Hennessey. My friends and family, and oh yeah... my big ass D.
fudelco03: Ian your D is as big as my toe. When i step to the mic i bust my flow. Dan is mad cause his girls a hog. but he should really stop hittin it raw dog
DDBeavers: "My big ass D" must mean my first initial, cause when it comes to size, man I'll make it official. I bring it so deep she'll say "Careful big man" so I'll assume that your "D" was just shorthand for "Dan"
DDBeavers: Yeah man, you got a point about using a rubber, cause I hit girl after girl after girl then another, and when you push your luck man something's gonna give. I'd best wrap it up 'fore I catch me the hiv
Atwood333: Shit Dan, you must not be GWA. Cause what you thought I meant, sounds pretty much gay. I'm sorry if I made the atmosphere tensed. But Dan's wack flow has got me totally incensed.
DDBeavers: Man, I stay up too late just to whoop your punk ass, I gotta be up for a nine-thirty class. But it's gonna be cool, it won't cause me no strife, 'cause you can be half-asleep for Weight Training for Life
fudelco03: ok heres the deal 930 is weak 7 is better. i got to eat breakfast with a bed wetter. im about dead and i need to wake up. after a few more rhymes i'll just give up. hey dan come get this chick. SHes all about dissin a-lamb and his dick. Theres one thing that she dont know. Is that my reinforcements are coming good bye to you hoe
DDBeavers: A-Lamb, just give up now. You've been done for a fortnight. Your rhymes show complete lack of talent and foresight. I'm making you sleepy like Ted Debiase, and we're tired of watching you like your name was Dagrassi
Atwood333: What I suggest for your current debacle. Is that you aim for her eye and give her some spackle. Tricks don't need to be nasty, all up in your biz. So that's why I suggested the solution of jizz.
DDBeavers: Yeah, Wood has the skillz, what he lacks is the speed. When I'm cuttin' the rhymes all he can do is just bleed. He gets off some good ones, but his skills are still porous, and I bet he relies on a Roget's Thesaurus
Atwood333: Thesaurus? Bitch, please. I wrote that book. I think you need its services, so you best take a look. Antonyms, synonyms, it don't even matter. The rhymes that I spit just get phatter and phatter.
DDBeavers: Can't deny, that was tight, it may end up a draw, 'cause our skills are refined while them two are just raw. Me and Wood battlin' verbal just ends up stalemates, but for sure you two's cane and we're straight C & H
DDBeavers: I bring sugar to words 'cause my rhymes are all sweet. Anyone wants to test should just drop to my feet, 'cause that's where they all end when the rhymin' has stopped, 'cause I'm an active volcano; I cannot be topped
byte size 85: i'm sweet like sugar not tangy like a booger, lick me if you want a taste, or stay home and masturbate!!!!
DDBeavers: You can talk about sex, but it's clear you can't ryhme, but me and lovemaking is like years on good wine, the whole neighborhood's gonna be hearing you cryin', 'cause I just just keep on gettin better with time
Atwood333: So between me and Beav, when we reign, the shit pours. So you need an umbrella like the Morton Salt girl adorns. Speaking of wet, that's what I make the ladies do. Their panties getting so soaked, you'd swear they're see-through.
DDBeavers: and speaking of panties, they're stacked on my floor, 'cause when I hit it once they all come back for more, and when she gets strapped in and ready to ride, I do it up like spelunking and get deep down inside
Atwood333: When it comes to ladies, I've got quite a tally. So many nicks and notches, the shit'd fill up an alley. Whap that, tap that, mark it with an "I". Them ladies get branded when they give me a try.
DDBeavers: talkin' 'bout notches and serving the dick? Shit, mine gets more use than a Whacking Day stick. Yeah, best believe I just went to the Simpsons, 'cause no realm can hold the extent of my pimpin'
DDBeavers: and if it's like Whacking Day then put on Barry White, and watch me get down then back up through all hours of the night. When I'm all set again she'll say "It's good, but no more. You're just so much man, that shit's making me sore."
Atwood333: We keep setting the bar, higha and higha. I get more poon than my boy Jebidiah. Springfield, that is. The town that they're from. But like Barry White to the snakes, I make the ladies come.
DDBeavers: Well you can't help but see we both brought Barry White, 'cause our minds is alike and our rhymes is like, tight. With me and Da Wood ain't no duo can step, 'cause we got more dope rhymes than there's assholes at Prep
