Beav Encounters A Cock-Roach
I'll make short story...well...short I guess. My story begins at about 2:15 in the morning on some weeknight. I don't happen to recall when exactly it was. Now, I don't need to paint you a vivid picture of what I was doing at the time, but sufficed to say that I was at the computer, my pants were around my ankles and had been for around a half hour...and I was looking at "adult" themed websites. You do the math.
What's the point, you ask? Well, when all is said and done, I go to pull my pants up. Thank the sweet Lord that I look at my pants before pulling them up, becuse there in the crotch of my boxers, right about in the "taint" region, sits a huge fucking cockroach. Now, when you find a roach in your underwear, a number of things go through your mind. I'll try as best I can to tell you the questions and the order in which they ran through my mind:
1) What the fuck?!?!?
2) How long has that fucking thing been there? Was it camping out in my pants for hours and I didn't know?
3) Where did it come from?
4) What if I hadn't seen it?
5) Why, of all the places in this house, or the world for that matter, was it attracted to the crotch of my boxers? Is my taint a roach lure?
6) We've never had roaches before...does this mean we have roaches now?
7) How do I kill it without chasing it deeper into my pants?
8) What the FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ultimately I stand, angry and dumbstruck, and stare at this cock-roach for a couple minutes, then very gingerly reach for a paper towel, and even more gingerly move in for the kill...I inch toward the roach so as not to raise its suspicions...
I strike.
I miss.
The cock-roach retreats into my pants.
Shit.
I decide that I have no choice but to remove my jeans and boxers and throw them into a scalding hot wash. The trick becomes to get the contents of my pockets out of my jeans and then remove my socks, pants and boxers without touching the roach or flushing it out.
I very careully accomplish this, get a clean pair of boxers from my drawer, shake them down and inspect them thoroughly to make sure they are chode-roach free, put them on and then go fill the washing machine with the hottest water our house has to offer. I take up my clothes and throw jeans, boxers, roach and all into the washer. I then quote the line from Major Payne, "If he's still in there, he ain't happy!" and then get the bug spray out and spray a defensive perimiter around my room. I decide that had I pulled up my pants without looking, the sensation of a roach crawling on my chode would officially have been the most violating feeling I had ever experienced. Worse yet, I would be unable to swat at it in that scenario, lest I damage my genitals, so I would have to find some other weird method of ridding my perenium of the roach. As it stands though, none of that happened and the most violating feeling I've ever experienced is still the first time I ever got open-hand cock-tapped when I was a sophomore in high school.
Postlogue: After removing my jeans from the wash and running them through the dryer at least twice, I found the roach's fragmented body partly in the jeans pocket, and partly in the lint trap. I feel I set an example for roaches everywhere: Stay away from my balls, or I'll kill you thorougly.
What's the point, you ask? Well, when all is said and done, I go to pull my pants up. Thank the sweet Lord that I look at my pants before pulling them up, becuse there in the crotch of my boxers, right about in the "taint" region, sits a huge fucking cockroach. Now, when you find a roach in your underwear, a number of things go through your mind. I'll try as best I can to tell you the questions and the order in which they ran through my mind:
1) What the fuck?!?!?
2) How long has that fucking thing been there? Was it camping out in my pants for hours and I didn't know?
3) Where did it come from?
4) What if I hadn't seen it?
5) Why, of all the places in this house, or the world for that matter, was it attracted to the crotch of my boxers? Is my taint a roach lure?
6) We've never had roaches before...does this mean we have roaches now?
7) How do I kill it without chasing it deeper into my pants?
8) What the FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ultimately I stand, angry and dumbstruck, and stare at this cock-roach for a couple minutes, then very gingerly reach for a paper towel, and even more gingerly move in for the kill...I inch toward the roach so as not to raise its suspicions...
I strike.
I miss.
The cock-roach retreats into my pants.
Shit.
I decide that I have no choice but to remove my jeans and boxers and throw them into a scalding hot wash. The trick becomes to get the contents of my pockets out of my jeans and then remove my socks, pants and boxers without touching the roach or flushing it out.
I very careully accomplish this, get a clean pair of boxers from my drawer, shake them down and inspect them thoroughly to make sure they are chode-roach free, put them on and then go fill the washing machine with the hottest water our house has to offer. I take up my clothes and throw jeans, boxers, roach and all into the washer. I then quote the line from Major Payne, "If he's still in there, he ain't happy!" and then get the bug spray out and spray a defensive perimiter around my room. I decide that had I pulled up my pants without looking, the sensation of a roach crawling on my chode would officially have been the most violating feeling I had ever experienced. Worse yet, I would be unable to swat at it in that scenario, lest I damage my genitals, so I would have to find some other weird method of ridding my perenium of the roach. As it stands though, none of that happened and the most violating feeling I've ever experienced is still the first time I ever got open-hand cock-tapped when I was a sophomore in high school.
Postlogue: After removing my jeans from the wash and running them through the dryer at least twice, I found the roach's fragmented body partly in the jeans pocket, and partly in the lint trap. I feel I set an example for roaches everywhere: Stay away from my balls, or I'll kill you thorougly.
posted by Beav at 11:04 PM
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