Wingman Beav Flies Successful Escort Mission
It's been a somewhat uneventful stretch run for The Beav, hence a lack of posts. This past weekend, though, I went up to Ames, Iowa to visit my Kenyan friend Darkness at ISU and watch the Huskers take on the perennial powerhouse Cyclones...and lose. Nothing terribly noteworthy happened until party time. After that, a TON happened. This is a mighty long story, but I found it mighty funny.
11/6/04
10:00 PM
I am playing the pirated French version of Halo 2 on some guy's X-Box when two hot girls come into the room. One of them is Asian and the other is tall and brunette. Here's my first interaction with the hot Asian girl:
Her: Oh my God, is that Halo 2?!? Can I play???
Me: Hi, you just became my new favorite person in the world. What's your name?
We play Halo for a while, then they go elsewhere in the house to drink and socialize. I keep playing Halo a while longer. I lament the fact that HotAsianGirl is not especially interested in me, because if there's two things I love, it's Asian girls and girls who play video games. Had she shown interest there's a legitimate chance I'd have transferred to ISU at semester and proposed to her by February.
10:20 PM
Two more girls show up. This time it's a blonde and a redhead, and the redhead is cripplingly hot. I decide at this point that while Darkness is my friend and I love him, I also hate him. The kid has hot women crawling on him at all times because he's a good looking African and they love that. It seems, though, that the redheaded girl might not be the brightest bulb on the tree. Let's put it this way: she made reference to her job, and I asked her where she worked. Her reply? I work at the mall; I'm a stylist. She rambles about how much she loves Darkness and wants to marry him. The more she talks, the less attractive she gets. I start drinking, and she stares in horror at how much Captain Morgan I pour in my first Captain and Coke. She tells me that would be enough to last her the whole night. I laugh heartily, for I have not yet begun to defile myself.
10:45 PM
The blonde girl and the stylist have left. More girls show up, and this time among the group is one of the two Darkness tells me he is considering getting with. The fact that he's had one proposal from a really hot girl already and has spare options for the night makes me want to hug and choke him at the same time. I go downstairs to meet her.
Holy crap, this girl is pretty fucking hot. Why didn't I go to Iowa State? Oh yeah, it's in Iowa. She has a tank top and a white zip-up sweater on, along with a skirt so small that any time I referred to it later I would say "skirt" and then hold up my thumb and index finger in the universal "small" and/or "I'm crushing your head" gesture. There is a lot of leg, midriff and cleavage showing. I think she had a face too...I think it was cute...I'm not sure. I couldn't get my eyes up there. To call her body "nice" would be to call Alex Rodriguez "decently paid". Anyhow, this girl is from Hawaii, so we'll call her Hawaii. Aren't I creative? I don't know where that group of girls goes, but I keep drinking and wandering about the house.
11:00 PM
Another big group of girls shows up, and among them is Darkess's other prospect. At first glance I think she's the 2nd place finisher, until I see the heavenly booty with which she has been blessed. It was perfection in ass form. I think I bit my finger and whimpered when I saw her...because I'm that guy. Now I really wanna kill Darkness, but I'm just too proud of him to do it. Not Yet Drunk Beav doesn't want to stand around talking to a pack of sorority girls, so I wander off again to watch more football and make another drink, and while I'm gone the girls disappear. This would be the last we saw of the 2nd girl and her Godly booty for the night. If it seems like lots of girls showed up and left in a short time frame, it's because they did. They were mostly sorority girls...so go figure. Sorority girls always have something better to do.
11:30 PM
I grab the sombrero from the trunk of my car and put it on. I now have on jeans, the Newbalances, my black Oregon State shirt that says "Beavers" with a white long-sleeved shirt under it, and a sombrero. I am in full on Beav mode. I slam another Captain and coke in about 3 minutes so that we can catch the bus. We board "The Drunk Bus" to go to a house party. The university runs busses for the students to use even late on weekends, and I soon find that the name "drunk bus" is very appropriate. All the 20+ people in our group are at least buzzed, and the rest of the people on there seem to be as well. Some wasted guy with lots of tattoos is still wearing his Husker apparel from the game and is trying to start a fight with one of the Pikes. I kinda wanna see him succeed to witness the 15-on-2 beating that would take place, but his girlfriend manages to settle him down.
10/7
12:00 AM
After having gotten off the bus at the wrong stop and wandered for at least 15 minutes, we finally arrive at a party. There are wall-to-wall people, and the back yard is full. Lots of people love my sombrero, while some find it confusing. After we're there for at least 10 minutes and I've chatted with lots of random people, I finally find the guy selling cups. He welcomes me to Ames, consoles me on the Husker loss and pours me a drink from his personal giant mug. Everyone, Happy Drunk Beav has arrived, and the people love him.
I manage to get one cup from the keg before the party disbands due to heavy police surveillance. Somewhere in the scramble, I have been separated from everyone else in the group. From across the yard, I see Hawaii in all her scantily clad splendor. I tell her that Darkness is looking for her (which is partially true) and call him to find out where he is. He has found an apartment party across the street where there is a free keg. This pleases me greatly. With Hawaii in tow, I head to the front yard. Hawaii locates her friend and introduces us. Hawaii's friend is hot, and she's coming to the party with us. I have my empty keg cup, a good buzz, two hot girls and a sombrero. This is going very well so far.
12:20 AM
We arrive at the party and begin drinking free beer. Some guy wants to wear my sombrero, but I inform him that it is now policy that only I wear my sombrero. I don't want a repeat of what happened with Collars Up when I was at Olaf. He's perfectly fine with my decision. There is a very good vibe at this party, and it seems once more that Happy Drunk Beav is glad to see everyone, and everyone is glad to see him. Darkness begins hitting on Hawaii, while I scan her hot friend to determine my wingman status.
The friend is about 5'9 or 5'10 with long dark brown hair, and dark eyes. She is quite attractive, and wearing what I can only describe as a "clubbing" shirt, because I'm not up on fashion lingo. It's the sort of shirt girls only wear to go dancing or partying. She also has on the standard low-rise jeans and a pair of...soccer shoes? What? Now I'm confused. After seeing the shoes I put her into the "potential lesbian" category and hang back for further surveillance. She doesn't seem to be cockblocking Darkness, so all is well for now. I don't need to do anything. We shall call Hawaii's friend SoccerShoes.
Hawaii and SoccerShoes start dancing together, and that's always a plus...but makes me further wonder if she's a lesbian. For hours lots of guys try to "throw the mack" on SoccerShoes, and are not successful. She has fun dancing, but is clearly not gonna give it up to any of them. This girl intrigues me, because I can tell that it's not that she's a bitch or a tease, it's that these guys don't meet her standards so she's just gonna dance. Being smarter than the other guys, I hang back and do my own thing (a.k.a. drink lots of beer). You're familiar with my "girls are like cats" theory, right? More on that later...
1:00 AM
Somewhere around this time, our two female friends from Omaha come over to inform me that they're not having fun and they want to leave. You'll notice that they haven't appeared in the story before this and there's a reason for that. I tell them that they're not having fun because they're standing around and not talking to anyone, much like they've done all day. I continue by explaining that the beer is free and copious, there is music and dancing, there are cool people and hot girls here, and I'm not leaving. If they want to leave, they're big girls, they can get back to the Pike house via any of the safe modes of transportation available, or failing that they can walk along the well-lit and well-traveled streets. I'm pretty sure I used the words "but if you wanna leave, there's the door". They leave. (Actual time of this event may be much later, or possibly a little earlier...I'm really not sure. Like I said, the beer was free. All time quotes from here on out are basically total guesses.)
2:00 AM
An attractive, dark-featured girl sits down next to me. I say hi to her, and this conversation ensues ("you" appears as "jou", because that's how she said it):
Her: Why are jou wearing that on your head?
Me: The better question is, why not?
Her: Jou're not Mexican. Jou're not in Mexico. Jou don't even speak Spanish. Jou shouldn't be wearing that.
Me: You're right, I'm not Mexican or in Mexico, pero realmente crees que no puedo hablar en Espanol? (but do you really think I can't speak Spanish?) No puedo llevar un sombrero porque no soy Mexicano? Solo los Mexicanos deben llevar sombreros? (I can't wear a sombrero because I'm not Mexican? Only Mexicans should wear somberos?)
Her: Oh wow, you do speak Spanish. Where did you learn that?
Me: En los ristorantes. (In restaurants)
We continue talking for a while. I keep speaking Spanish, even though she's speaking English to me. This probably annoys her, but I'm too drunk to notice. Turns out she's from Puerto Rico. We chat for a while, but I am obviously not keeping her interest, and she doesn't seem to have a very good personality. I give up on talking to her and get more beer. I'm officially drunk.
2:10 AM
Some super hot girl shows up...but not through the front door. Through the bedroom. I've been here a couple hours and also in position to see everyone who came and went from the party, so I ask her where she came from. Well, she'd been asleep and had just woken up. It took about 5 seconds of conversation to determine that actually "asleep" meant "passed out", and that she's still drunk. She wouldn't be the last girl to appear at the party this way...but she's really cool and proceeds to party like a rock star, so whatever. I'll call her PassedOut.
2:40 AM
Darkness and Hawaii are making out on the couch. Ready for the funny part? Hawaii is sitting down on the couch, and for some reason Darkness is straddling her, instead of the other way around. This isn't the sort of gender role reversal you'd typically think of as important, but it's stranger than you'd imagine when you actually see it. Also, something you should know about Hawaii: She's slim, and has a nice figure and nice legs, but she's a little sturdy through the ankles. I'm gonna go ahead and say that she's got a mild case of cankles (where calf flows continuously into ankle, with no clear ending of calf and beginning of ankle). If you glance at the couch, you see a dude on top, making out with somebody with thick ankles. That's all you can see. If you only glance and don't take a good look, it looks like two dudes making out. Lots of people walk by and have to double take before they figure out what is actually going on, and pretty much everybody laughs at Darkness (who is oblivious, and rightly so) for being drunk and ridiculous enough to straddle a girl and not have her straddle him instead. I'm sitting on the couch with PassedOut and some guy who may or may not have been her boyfriend.
I have run out of beer and rumor has it that the keg is empty. So, being wasted, I grab the beer out of Hawaii's hand. Hell, she's not drinking it. No room for beer to get in when you've got a Kenyan stuck to your face. She doesn't even notice. The beer is warm and flat, but does that stop Drunk Beav? HELL NO! I get some ice cubes from PassedOut (who was sucking on ice cubes...and it was HOT) and doctor my beer. I would later find out that the keg was not actually empty. I swear to God, this keg defied the laws of physics. That thing was "on its last leg" for about 2 and a half hours, and yet never quit producing beer.
3:00 AM
Darkness and Hawaii have gotten up and are now dancing, as are PassedOut and her dude. They all think that SoccerShoes and I should dance too. So we get up and dance. "Walking in Memphis" is playing. Slow dancing with hot girls is good. Happy drunk Beav likes where this is going. I absent-mindedly sing a bit of the song because I sing all the fucking time. SoccerShoes wants me to sing more. Uh oh...we've found a gap in the armor. The fact that I haven't bothered to especially care about her presence all night combined with my ability to sing and the fact that I can sorta dance has her real intrigued right about now. I am officially flying wingman for Darkness at this point.
The song ends, and country music starts playing. I don't even like country, let alone dance to it, so I go sit down. Some might interpret this as a mild brush-off considering I was just slowdancing with SoccerShoes. Some guy in a grey sweatshirt starts dancing with her. He's trying so hard to get with her that it's comical. He plays at least 4 slow country songs in a row (it's his iPod producing the music) strictly for the sake of having an excuse to keep dancing with her.
I go to the restroom, and I come back to find that SoccerShoes has gotten tired of dancing with Captain TriesTooHard and she is now sitting down on a barstool at the kitchen counter and eating sunflower seeds. Why is there a big bag of sunflower seeds on the counter? Hell, why not??? I tell her it looks like she got tired of being blatantly hit on. She laughs and agrees, then we mock sweatshirt guy together for a while. She decides that I need to eat some sunflower seeds, and puts one in my mouth. I don't like sunflower seeds and I never eat them...but she just put her finger in my mouth, so maybe I should just roll with this.
In one of the more baffling flirtations of my life, the eating of sunflower seeds turns into some kind of metaphor for sexual prowess. I don't know how it's supposed to work, but she's still feeding me seeds, so whatever. I stood there eating sunflower seeds with her and trying to be seductive about it for at least a good 10-15 minutes. Evidently I did well at it.
3:30 AM
Some John Mayer song comes on, but it's a live version of a song I barely know, so I fuck up my attempt to sing along with it. I admit to being drunk and not knowing the song. SoccerShoes jokes that the problem is actually that I'm full of shit and I can't sing. I recognize her subtext as, "if I challenge your singing skills, you'll sing to me more." Consider the bait taken. I say, "Oh yeah? If that was 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' I'd rock that shit and you wouldn't question me." Hawaii hears me say this, and goes over to the iPod. Guess what song stars playing?
At this point I'm blitzed and SoccerShoes has blown her cover. She kinda digs me, so I don't waste my chance to fly my wingman plane into firing position. I stand behind her and her bar stool and sing "Your Body Is A Wonderland" into the back of her neck while doing lots of pretty blatant stroking of her waist, neck and arms. She tries to be stoic, but she's eating this shit up. In the back of my mind I think "If I had a dollar for every time I've used this song as a means of slutting myself out, I could pay for a cab and a hotel to close this out." I'm shamelessly prostituting myself and my vocals, but it's working so I don't care.
4:00 AM
The party breaks up and we start walking home. Something took a weird turn between "Your Body Is A Wonderland" and time to leave, and now SoccerShoes is giving me the cold shoulder. I don't get what the deal is, but I also don't give a fuck. It's cold outside and I'm tired, so I'm doing the Drunk Beav walk back toward the Pike house. If you've never seen the Drunk Beav walk, think of the part in Terminator 2 where the T-1000 is chasing after the car. That's about how fast I'm walking. I'm clear out in front of the other three.
4:10 AM
Darkness comes to talk to me and I figure out what happened. At one point while we were talking at the party, SoccerShoes made one of those self-deprecating, 'girl fishing for a compliment' comments. I replied to her by saying, "No, trust me, you're attractive. I'm shallow, so I wouldn't bother be nice to you and say you're cute if you weren't." (I say this, or some variation of it a lot. Don't believe me? Ask an ex of mine.) Well, SoccerShoes was just as drunk as I was, and somehow between me saying that and her talking to Hawaii about me, it became, "I'm shallow, and I only like shallow girls." No girl wants to consider herself shallow, so SoccerShoes was offput and decided that I needed ignoring.
4:15 AM
I am loudly chastising SoccerShoes for misrepresenting me, and inform her that "I fucking hate shallow girls. Shallow girls are fucking dumb." I'm still hell-bent on getting home fast though, so I break from the group to Terminator walk some more. I'm not about to try to suck up to this girl because I already know the Omaha girls will be in Darkness's room when we get back and they'll cockblock him mercilessly, so he's probably not gonna score with Hawaii. My work as wingman is done.
SoccerShoes catches up to talk to me, and I say, "Oh no, I'm not talking to you. You're mean. You misquoted me and you were mean to me because of something I didn't say. I don't wanna get misrepresented any more. I'm going to bed." I'm shitbombed at this point. The fact that I'm in such a big hurry and leading the group is funny, because I don't know where the fuck I'm going.
Well, getting the brush off once more really makes SoccerShoes take an interest in me. She takes my arm and we somehow start talking about how we're into each other. It's the standard "You thought I didn't like you? Oh, I thought you didn't like me!" bullshit. She leads me off away from Darkness and Hawaii, and the little voice in my mind says, "Oh shit...OH SHIT! She's taking you to her house! We're going to her place! THIS IS AWESOME!!! Okay, okay...be cool man. Be cool."
SoccerShoes leads me back to her doorstep. I think it's a sorority...but I really couldn't tell you for sure. It's a big building with lots of rooms, and she quickly informs me I'm not going inside...and not just the building. I really don't mind, but I tell her I'd like it if she could at least give me a kiss. Well, I don't get a kiss so much an assault on my lower lip. This girl attacks my face, and it gets a little scary. I get the impression that if sober she'd be a fierce kisser, which would be hot in its own way...but she's real drunk, so she bit my lip a little too hard and it hurt. She clearly wants me to think, "Oh man, if she kisses like that, I totally want more, but she's not gonna give me more ! I feel so teased! Oh man!" In reality I think, "Ow, that hurt. You're drunk and I don't want you to kiss me like that again." I manage to negotiate a couple of gentler kisses from her, but soon realize that this is all going nowhere and I'm getting cold. I bid her farewell and get her number (though I really don't know what I'm gonna do with it given that we live 300 miles apart) and start wandering back to the Pike house. I encounter Darkness and Hawaii along the way. They ask me where SoccerShoes and I went. I tell them that she needed to be escorted home, and that she's "a ferocious kisser". Darkness thinks this is astounding and hilarious. Hawaii is also amused.
Darkness walks Hawaii home, then comes back and confirms my theory that the Omaha girls would occupy his room and be unwilling to move so that he could hook up. They had locked him out, in fact. They hated on him at every turn all night, and I actually lectured them for it at one point. I had to explain the "If you're not going to do him, then leave him the fuck alone so somebody else can" rule. Their repeated acts of game-salting and constant consumption of Haterade were much of the reason I basically told them not to let the door hit them in the ass on their way out of the party.
Hawaii, because she has at least two scraps of dignity, declined to go hook up in the frat's open-air sleeping arrangement (for the non-fratboys reading this: open-air is a room with lots of bunk beds where all the guys sleep because they don't sleep in their rooms for some reason), and instead told Darkness to walk her home. Respect points for Hawaii. As for me, I passed the fuck out on the futon in Darkness's room, which the Omaha Haters Club had now unlocked.
I must say, it was probably the best night of partying I've ever had on a road trip, if I have to judge on sheer merit of the party itself. We found a small apartment party with maybe 20 people and a free keg, good music and lots of hot girls. My boy Darkness got some lovin', I got a lip assault and a number, and we didn't go to sleep until about 4:45. Not bad. Oh, and I wore a sombrero all night again. God that thing is so fucking money.
I drove home the next morning, and I remain intrigued by SoccerShoes, because she was attractive, smart, and had legitimate self-respect. I strongly considered calling her along the drive home, but decided that might be a touch on the weird side. Perhaps I'll visit the land of Ames again, and our paths will once more cross. If not, ah well...it was the first time I ever really tried to fly wingman with anybody, and we stuck to the Top Gun rules (you never leave your wingman), and it went well. I can think of worse ways to spend a night. Don't believe me? Read the St. Olaf story...
11/6/04
10:00 PM
I am playing the pirated French version of Halo 2 on some guy's X-Box when two hot girls come into the room. One of them is Asian and the other is tall and brunette. Here's my first interaction with the hot Asian girl:
Her: Oh my God, is that Halo 2?!? Can I play???
Me: Hi, you just became my new favorite person in the world. What's your name?
We play Halo for a while, then they go elsewhere in the house to drink and socialize. I keep playing Halo a while longer. I lament the fact that HotAsianGirl is not especially interested in me, because if there's two things I love, it's Asian girls and girls who play video games. Had she shown interest there's a legitimate chance I'd have transferred to ISU at semester and proposed to her by February.
10:20 PM
Two more girls show up. This time it's a blonde and a redhead, and the redhead is cripplingly hot. I decide at this point that while Darkness is my friend and I love him, I also hate him. The kid has hot women crawling on him at all times because he's a good looking African and they love that. It seems, though, that the redheaded girl might not be the brightest bulb on the tree. Let's put it this way: she made reference to her job, and I asked her where she worked. Her reply? I work at the mall; I'm a stylist. She rambles about how much she loves Darkness and wants to marry him. The more she talks, the less attractive she gets. I start drinking, and she stares in horror at how much Captain Morgan I pour in my first Captain and Coke. She tells me that would be enough to last her the whole night. I laugh heartily, for I have not yet begun to defile myself.
10:45 PM
The blonde girl and the stylist have left. More girls show up, and this time among the group is one of the two Darkness tells me he is considering getting with. The fact that he's had one proposal from a really hot girl already and has spare options for the night makes me want to hug and choke him at the same time. I go downstairs to meet her.
Holy crap, this girl is pretty fucking hot. Why didn't I go to Iowa State? Oh yeah, it's in Iowa. She has a tank top and a white zip-up sweater on, along with a skirt so small that any time I referred to it later I would say "skirt" and then hold up my thumb and index finger in the universal "small" and/or "I'm crushing your head" gesture. There is a lot of leg, midriff and cleavage showing. I think she had a face too...I think it was cute...I'm not sure. I couldn't get my eyes up there. To call her body "nice" would be to call Alex Rodriguez "decently paid". Anyhow, this girl is from Hawaii, so we'll call her Hawaii. Aren't I creative? I don't know where that group of girls goes, but I keep drinking and wandering about the house.
11:00 PM
Another big group of girls shows up, and among them is Darkess's other prospect. At first glance I think she's the 2nd place finisher, until I see the heavenly booty with which she has been blessed. It was perfection in ass form. I think I bit my finger and whimpered when I saw her...because I'm that guy. Now I really wanna kill Darkness, but I'm just too proud of him to do it. Not Yet Drunk Beav doesn't want to stand around talking to a pack of sorority girls, so I wander off again to watch more football and make another drink, and while I'm gone the girls disappear. This would be the last we saw of the 2nd girl and her Godly booty for the night. If it seems like lots of girls showed up and left in a short time frame, it's because they did. They were mostly sorority girls...so go figure. Sorority girls always have something better to do.
11:30 PM
I grab the sombrero from the trunk of my car and put it on. I now have on jeans, the Newbalances, my black Oregon State shirt that says "Beavers" with a white long-sleeved shirt under it, and a sombrero. I am in full on Beav mode. I slam another Captain and coke in about 3 minutes so that we can catch the bus. We board "The Drunk Bus" to go to a house party. The university runs busses for the students to use even late on weekends, and I soon find that the name "drunk bus" is very appropriate. All the 20+ people in our group are at least buzzed, and the rest of the people on there seem to be as well. Some wasted guy with lots of tattoos is still wearing his Husker apparel from the game and is trying to start a fight with one of the Pikes. I kinda wanna see him succeed to witness the 15-on-2 beating that would take place, but his girlfriend manages to settle him down.
10/7
12:00 AM
After having gotten off the bus at the wrong stop and wandered for at least 15 minutes, we finally arrive at a party. There are wall-to-wall people, and the back yard is full. Lots of people love my sombrero, while some find it confusing. After we're there for at least 10 minutes and I've chatted with lots of random people, I finally find the guy selling cups. He welcomes me to Ames, consoles me on the Husker loss and pours me a drink from his personal giant mug. Everyone, Happy Drunk Beav has arrived, and the people love him.
I manage to get one cup from the keg before the party disbands due to heavy police surveillance. Somewhere in the scramble, I have been separated from everyone else in the group. From across the yard, I see Hawaii in all her scantily clad splendor. I tell her that Darkness is looking for her (which is partially true) and call him to find out where he is. He has found an apartment party across the street where there is a free keg. This pleases me greatly. With Hawaii in tow, I head to the front yard. Hawaii locates her friend and introduces us. Hawaii's friend is hot, and she's coming to the party with us. I have my empty keg cup, a good buzz, two hot girls and a sombrero. This is going very well so far.
12:20 AM
We arrive at the party and begin drinking free beer. Some guy wants to wear my sombrero, but I inform him that it is now policy that only I wear my sombrero. I don't want a repeat of what happened with Collars Up when I was at Olaf. He's perfectly fine with my decision. There is a very good vibe at this party, and it seems once more that Happy Drunk Beav is glad to see everyone, and everyone is glad to see him. Darkness begins hitting on Hawaii, while I scan her hot friend to determine my wingman status.
The friend is about 5'9 or 5'10 with long dark brown hair, and dark eyes. She is quite attractive, and wearing what I can only describe as a "clubbing" shirt, because I'm not up on fashion lingo. It's the sort of shirt girls only wear to go dancing or partying. She also has on the standard low-rise jeans and a pair of...soccer shoes? What? Now I'm confused. After seeing the shoes I put her into the "potential lesbian" category and hang back for further surveillance. She doesn't seem to be cockblocking Darkness, so all is well for now. I don't need to do anything. We shall call Hawaii's friend SoccerShoes.
Hawaii and SoccerShoes start dancing together, and that's always a plus...but makes me further wonder if she's a lesbian. For hours lots of guys try to "throw the mack" on SoccerShoes, and are not successful. She has fun dancing, but is clearly not gonna give it up to any of them. This girl intrigues me, because I can tell that it's not that she's a bitch or a tease, it's that these guys don't meet her standards so she's just gonna dance. Being smarter than the other guys, I hang back and do my own thing (a.k.a. drink lots of beer). You're familiar with my "girls are like cats" theory, right? More on that later...
1:00 AM
Somewhere around this time, our two female friends from Omaha come over to inform me that they're not having fun and they want to leave. You'll notice that they haven't appeared in the story before this and there's a reason for that. I tell them that they're not having fun because they're standing around and not talking to anyone, much like they've done all day. I continue by explaining that the beer is free and copious, there is music and dancing, there are cool people and hot girls here, and I'm not leaving. If they want to leave, they're big girls, they can get back to the Pike house via any of the safe modes of transportation available, or failing that they can walk along the well-lit and well-traveled streets. I'm pretty sure I used the words "but if you wanna leave, there's the door". They leave. (Actual time of this event may be much later, or possibly a little earlier...I'm really not sure. Like I said, the beer was free. All time quotes from here on out are basically total guesses.)
2:00 AM
An attractive, dark-featured girl sits down next to me. I say hi to her, and this conversation ensues ("you" appears as "jou", because that's how she said it):
Her: Why are jou wearing that on your head?
Me: The better question is, why not?
Her: Jou're not Mexican. Jou're not in Mexico. Jou don't even speak Spanish. Jou shouldn't be wearing that.
Me: You're right, I'm not Mexican or in Mexico, pero realmente crees que no puedo hablar en Espanol? (but do you really think I can't speak Spanish?) No puedo llevar un sombrero porque no soy Mexicano? Solo los Mexicanos deben llevar sombreros? (I can't wear a sombrero because I'm not Mexican? Only Mexicans should wear somberos?)
Her: Oh wow, you do speak Spanish. Where did you learn that?
Me: En los ristorantes. (In restaurants)
We continue talking for a while. I keep speaking Spanish, even though she's speaking English to me. This probably annoys her, but I'm too drunk to notice. Turns out she's from Puerto Rico. We chat for a while, but I am obviously not keeping her interest, and she doesn't seem to have a very good personality. I give up on talking to her and get more beer. I'm officially drunk.
2:10 AM
Some super hot girl shows up...but not through the front door. Through the bedroom. I've been here a couple hours and also in position to see everyone who came and went from the party, so I ask her where she came from. Well, she'd been asleep and had just woken up. It took about 5 seconds of conversation to determine that actually "asleep" meant "passed out", and that she's still drunk. She wouldn't be the last girl to appear at the party this way...but she's really cool and proceeds to party like a rock star, so whatever. I'll call her PassedOut.
2:40 AM
Darkness and Hawaii are making out on the couch. Ready for the funny part? Hawaii is sitting down on the couch, and for some reason Darkness is straddling her, instead of the other way around. This isn't the sort of gender role reversal you'd typically think of as important, but it's stranger than you'd imagine when you actually see it. Also, something you should know about Hawaii: She's slim, and has a nice figure and nice legs, but she's a little sturdy through the ankles. I'm gonna go ahead and say that she's got a mild case of cankles (where calf flows continuously into ankle, with no clear ending of calf and beginning of ankle). If you glance at the couch, you see a dude on top, making out with somebody with thick ankles. That's all you can see. If you only glance and don't take a good look, it looks like two dudes making out. Lots of people walk by and have to double take before they figure out what is actually going on, and pretty much everybody laughs at Darkness (who is oblivious, and rightly so) for being drunk and ridiculous enough to straddle a girl and not have her straddle him instead. I'm sitting on the couch with PassedOut and some guy who may or may not have been her boyfriend.
I have run out of beer and rumor has it that the keg is empty. So, being wasted, I grab the beer out of Hawaii's hand. Hell, she's not drinking it. No room for beer to get in when you've got a Kenyan stuck to your face. She doesn't even notice. The beer is warm and flat, but does that stop Drunk Beav? HELL NO! I get some ice cubes from PassedOut (who was sucking on ice cubes...and it was HOT) and doctor my beer. I would later find out that the keg was not actually empty. I swear to God, this keg defied the laws of physics. That thing was "on its last leg" for about 2 and a half hours, and yet never quit producing beer.
3:00 AM
Darkness and Hawaii have gotten up and are now dancing, as are PassedOut and her dude. They all think that SoccerShoes and I should dance too. So we get up and dance. "Walking in Memphis" is playing. Slow dancing with hot girls is good. Happy drunk Beav likes where this is going. I absent-mindedly sing a bit of the song because I sing all the fucking time. SoccerShoes wants me to sing more. Uh oh...we've found a gap in the armor. The fact that I haven't bothered to especially care about her presence all night combined with my ability to sing and the fact that I can sorta dance has her real intrigued right about now. I am officially flying wingman for Darkness at this point.
The song ends, and country music starts playing. I don't even like country, let alone dance to it, so I go sit down. Some might interpret this as a mild brush-off considering I was just slowdancing with SoccerShoes. Some guy in a grey sweatshirt starts dancing with her. He's trying so hard to get with her that it's comical. He plays at least 4 slow country songs in a row (it's his iPod producing the music) strictly for the sake of having an excuse to keep dancing with her.
I go to the restroom, and I come back to find that SoccerShoes has gotten tired of dancing with Captain TriesTooHard and she is now sitting down on a barstool at the kitchen counter and eating sunflower seeds. Why is there a big bag of sunflower seeds on the counter? Hell, why not??? I tell her it looks like she got tired of being blatantly hit on. She laughs and agrees, then we mock sweatshirt guy together for a while. She decides that I need to eat some sunflower seeds, and puts one in my mouth. I don't like sunflower seeds and I never eat them...but she just put her finger in my mouth, so maybe I should just roll with this.
In one of the more baffling flirtations of my life, the eating of sunflower seeds turns into some kind of metaphor for sexual prowess. I don't know how it's supposed to work, but she's still feeding me seeds, so whatever. I stood there eating sunflower seeds with her and trying to be seductive about it for at least a good 10-15 minutes. Evidently I did well at it.
3:30 AM
Some John Mayer song comes on, but it's a live version of a song I barely know, so I fuck up my attempt to sing along with it. I admit to being drunk and not knowing the song. SoccerShoes jokes that the problem is actually that I'm full of shit and I can't sing. I recognize her subtext as, "if I challenge your singing skills, you'll sing to me more." Consider the bait taken. I say, "Oh yeah? If that was 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' I'd rock that shit and you wouldn't question me." Hawaii hears me say this, and goes over to the iPod. Guess what song stars playing?
At this point I'm blitzed and SoccerShoes has blown her cover. She kinda digs me, so I don't waste my chance to fly my wingman plane into firing position. I stand behind her and her bar stool and sing "Your Body Is A Wonderland" into the back of her neck while doing lots of pretty blatant stroking of her waist, neck and arms. She tries to be stoic, but she's eating this shit up. In the back of my mind I think "If I had a dollar for every time I've used this song as a means of slutting myself out, I could pay for a cab and a hotel to close this out." I'm shamelessly prostituting myself and my vocals, but it's working so I don't care.
4:00 AM
The party breaks up and we start walking home. Something took a weird turn between "Your Body Is A Wonderland" and time to leave, and now SoccerShoes is giving me the cold shoulder. I don't get what the deal is, but I also don't give a fuck. It's cold outside and I'm tired, so I'm doing the Drunk Beav walk back toward the Pike house. If you've never seen the Drunk Beav walk, think of the part in Terminator 2 where the T-1000 is chasing after the car. That's about how fast I'm walking. I'm clear out in front of the other three.
4:10 AM
Darkness comes to talk to me and I figure out what happened. At one point while we were talking at the party, SoccerShoes made one of those self-deprecating, 'girl fishing for a compliment' comments. I replied to her by saying, "No, trust me, you're attractive. I'm shallow, so I wouldn't bother be nice to you and say you're cute if you weren't." (I say this, or some variation of it a lot. Don't believe me? Ask an ex of mine.) Well, SoccerShoes was just as drunk as I was, and somehow between me saying that and her talking to Hawaii about me, it became, "I'm shallow, and I only like shallow girls." No girl wants to consider herself shallow, so SoccerShoes was offput and decided that I needed ignoring.
4:15 AM
I am loudly chastising SoccerShoes for misrepresenting me, and inform her that "I fucking hate shallow girls. Shallow girls are fucking dumb." I'm still hell-bent on getting home fast though, so I break from the group to Terminator walk some more. I'm not about to try to suck up to this girl because I already know the Omaha girls will be in Darkness's room when we get back and they'll cockblock him mercilessly, so he's probably not gonna score with Hawaii. My work as wingman is done.
SoccerShoes catches up to talk to me, and I say, "Oh no, I'm not talking to you. You're mean. You misquoted me and you were mean to me because of something I didn't say. I don't wanna get misrepresented any more. I'm going to bed." I'm shitbombed at this point. The fact that I'm in such a big hurry and leading the group is funny, because I don't know where the fuck I'm going.
Well, getting the brush off once more really makes SoccerShoes take an interest in me. She takes my arm and we somehow start talking about how we're into each other. It's the standard "You thought I didn't like you? Oh, I thought you didn't like me!" bullshit. She leads me off away from Darkness and Hawaii, and the little voice in my mind says, "Oh shit...OH SHIT! She's taking you to her house! We're going to her place! THIS IS AWESOME!!! Okay, okay...be cool man. Be cool."
SoccerShoes leads me back to her doorstep. I think it's a sorority...but I really couldn't tell you for sure. It's a big building with lots of rooms, and she quickly informs me I'm not going inside...and not just the building. I really don't mind, but I tell her I'd like it if she could at least give me a kiss. Well, I don't get a kiss so much an assault on my lower lip. This girl attacks my face, and it gets a little scary. I get the impression that if sober she'd be a fierce kisser, which would be hot in its own way...but she's real drunk, so she bit my lip a little too hard and it hurt. She clearly wants me to think, "Oh man, if she kisses like that, I totally want more, but she's not gonna give me more ! I feel so teased! Oh man!" In reality I think, "Ow, that hurt. You're drunk and I don't want you to kiss me like that again." I manage to negotiate a couple of gentler kisses from her, but soon realize that this is all going nowhere and I'm getting cold. I bid her farewell and get her number (though I really don't know what I'm gonna do with it given that we live 300 miles apart) and start wandering back to the Pike house. I encounter Darkness and Hawaii along the way. They ask me where SoccerShoes and I went. I tell them that she needed to be escorted home, and that she's "a ferocious kisser". Darkness thinks this is astounding and hilarious. Hawaii is also amused.
Darkness walks Hawaii home, then comes back and confirms my theory that the Omaha girls would occupy his room and be unwilling to move so that he could hook up. They had locked him out, in fact. They hated on him at every turn all night, and I actually lectured them for it at one point. I had to explain the "If you're not going to do him, then leave him the fuck alone so somebody else can" rule. Their repeated acts of game-salting and constant consumption of Haterade were much of the reason I basically told them not to let the door hit them in the ass on their way out of the party.
Hawaii, because she has at least two scraps of dignity, declined to go hook up in the frat's open-air sleeping arrangement (for the non-fratboys reading this: open-air is a room with lots of bunk beds where all the guys sleep because they don't sleep in their rooms for some reason), and instead told Darkness to walk her home. Respect points for Hawaii. As for me, I passed the fuck out on the futon in Darkness's room, which the Omaha Haters Club had now unlocked.
I must say, it was probably the best night of partying I've ever had on a road trip, if I have to judge on sheer merit of the party itself. We found a small apartment party with maybe 20 people and a free keg, good music and lots of hot girls. My boy Darkness got some lovin', I got a lip assault and a number, and we didn't go to sleep until about 4:45. Not bad. Oh, and I wore a sombrero all night again. God that thing is so fucking money.
I drove home the next morning, and I remain intrigued by SoccerShoes, because she was attractive, smart, and had legitimate self-respect. I strongly considered calling her along the drive home, but decided that might be a touch on the weird side. Perhaps I'll visit the land of Ames again, and our paths will once more cross. If not, ah well...it was the first time I ever really tried to fly wingman with anybody, and we stuck to the Top Gun rules (you never leave your wingman), and it went well. I can think of worse ways to spend a night. Don't believe me? Read the St. Olaf story...
posted by Beav at 2:41 PM
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