Beav Loses Football Argument With Tucker Max
Those of you who know me well and frequent my AIM profile how no doubt heard of Tucker Max (www.tuckermax.com), from whom I blatantly steal much of the format for this "blog" because he has a good style and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. My writing style is mostly my own, but I've said to friends times that I'd probably be like Tucker if only I could get rid of my conscience...well, that and be a little quicker at ripping people to their faces. That would probably come with practice. The guy pretty much has no soul, but holy shit, he's funny.
Anyhow, long story short, Tucker is planning a whirlwind tour of the nation to see great college football games in the fall, but Nebraska vs Oklahoma in Lincoln was not on the list. He says he won't come to Lincoln, but doesn't say why. Being raised as a die-hard Husker fan, my opinion is totally biased, but I still say there's no way you can not want to see this game if you're a true college football fan. Here was my attempt to sway Tucker's opinion:
**********************
I know you said don't ask...so rather than ask why, I have to just categorize you as "football retarded" for not even considering coming to the Nebraska vs Oklahoma game on Oct. 29th. Strictly from a football standpoint, you're blacklisting one of the perennial top-10 college stadiums as well as one of the greatest sports rivalries of all time.
Wisconsin vs. Illinois shouldn't even be on the radar because Illinois doesn't have a team worth watching, let alone watching in Champaign. Florida vs. Georgia is respectable, but would be better on a year when you can see it Between the Hedges. If you want to experience football, I don't see any way you can justify ignoring Nebraska vs Oklahoma in front of the Sea of Red.
Look at the pros:
Our team isn't that good right now. OU will probably fuck us up on our home turf, which means there will be countless, pissed off Nebraskans (and players at the bars/parties) for you to screw with.
The bars are within easy walking distance of the stadium, and alcohol is cheap here ($1 20oz beers/$2 calls if you know where to go).
It's only October, so the hot freshmen haven't had time to drop out/get fat/catch VD yet.
They shoot hot dogs out of a cannon at games. If you can't make a story happen out of that, I don't know who can.
This whole state bleeds Husker Red. Think about it, what the hell else is there to be proud of, the zoo in Omaha? If you want college football, you can't possibly justify taking Lincoln off the map.
Dan Beavers
P.S. - Don't bother with NU vs Mizzou in Colombia. I've been there...it's not that great. Pick LSU vs Auburn or Bama vs UT.
******************
Not a bad argument. Not stellar, but a start. I did however make one big mistake, and I should have known better than to make a mistake around Tucker Max. Tucker's reply:
"Florida vs. Georgia is respectable, but would be better on a yearwhen you can see it Between the Hedges"
UF/Ga is played EVERY YEAR in Jacksonville. Its NEVER played in Athensor Gainesville. I'm the football retard?
This is why I will never go to Nebraska: Youpeople are too stupid to even see your own stupidity.
***********
He's got me on the Jacksonville thing, and if I were neutral, I'd have a hard time not going to The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party myself. Evidently it's an entire weekend spent in a drunken haze with a football game mixed in there somewhere. I could try to go after him for typos, but he was probably drunk and if that's all I've got, I should just quit anyhow.
As for people in Nebraska being too stupid to know they're stupid...I can't dispute that. I've spent too many years lifeguarding and working in restaurants and encountered too many people to say that this state is not full of total fucking idiots who refuse to acknowledge the concept that they are dipshits and wouldn't have made it past natural selection if smarter people weren't always looking out for them. If we weren't bordered by Iowa, Wyoming and the Dakotas, we'd have nothing to make us feel good about our state. Oh, and don't forget Missouri. I swear everyone between St. Louis and KC is dumb/ugly as hell. We here in Nebraska have football, a good zoo and good steak...and that's about it. We can't even brag about corn any more because everyone has corn. S
till though, I wanted a better reason from Tucker. My reply:
Point, Tucker. Still though 99% of people everywhere are morons. There's got to be a better reason not to come to a game here. You can't tell me that you don't expect to be surrounded by painfully fucking stupid people at an SEC game.
He sent me back another reason I couldn't counter:
Yes, SEC people are stupid, but 1. They know it, and 2. Their girls are hotter.
He's thought this through. The South may be a lot of things, but it isn't dishonest. Southerners know they're a bunch of rednecks, and they're proud of that. They're ass-backwards, classless jackasses, but they'll be the first to admit it...so at least you know what you're getting into. People in most of the rest of the country are neither aware of, nor comfortable with their stupidity. Lots of states that suck know they suck. When I meet people from North Dakota, they know that it sucks there and they don't bullshit. We think Nebraska is a good place to live, and there's something wrong with that. Omaha is ok, and Lincoln is ok only because of UNL, but the rest of the state is fucking flat and boring and we haven't figured it out.
As for the girls being hotter, no contest. I will never forget going to Nashville for my sister's graduation from Vanderbilt and kicking myself all weekend long for not having gotten good enough grades to go someplace like Vandy or Emory instead of settling for Nebraska. Southern girls are WAY hotter than Nebraska girls, and it's not because their genotypes are superior, it's because they try harder. Among the things that are NOT acceptable for a Southern Belle:
1) Not wearing make-up
2) Pajamas
3) Not "doing" their hair
4) Getting fat
And if they forget, their mothers will psychologically assault them until they fall back in line. Basically if you're talking about hotness on a 1-10 scale, southern girls always make sure they're at the top end of their rating, while girls around here are much more comfortable with taking that bottom end of their average out into public. A girl who might be a 6 here is pushed by southern tradition to being an 8 at all times. I've seen it firsthand, and I'm sure it sucks for them, but I love them for it. They dress nicer, they work harder, they are more image-conscious and it shows. Period.
All in all, Tucker has housed me in this argument, and the more I look back on it...I didn't have an argument to begin with. Tucker is not an NU or OU fan, so why would a big game between teams you don't necessarily care about beat out a weekend of debauchery when you grew up with the Big Ten and SEC anyhow? It'd be like somebody from BYU trying to get me to see them play Utah the weekend of the NU-CU game. Not gonna happen. This is why even though Tucker and Maddox (www.maddox.xmission.com) are undeniable assholes; I'll always read them religiously, because they're right.
Anyhow, long story short, Tucker is planning a whirlwind tour of the nation to see great college football games in the fall, but Nebraska vs Oklahoma in Lincoln was not on the list. He says he won't come to Lincoln, but doesn't say why. Being raised as a die-hard Husker fan, my opinion is totally biased, but I still say there's no way you can not want to see this game if you're a true college football fan. Here was my attempt to sway Tucker's opinion:
**********************
I know you said don't ask...so rather than ask why, I have to just categorize you as "football retarded" for not even considering coming to the Nebraska vs Oklahoma game on Oct. 29th. Strictly from a football standpoint, you're blacklisting one of the perennial top-10 college stadiums as well as one of the greatest sports rivalries of all time.
Wisconsin vs. Illinois shouldn't even be on the radar because Illinois doesn't have a team worth watching, let alone watching in Champaign. Florida vs. Georgia is respectable, but would be better on a year when you can see it Between the Hedges. If you want to experience football, I don't see any way you can justify ignoring Nebraska vs Oklahoma in front of the Sea of Red.
Look at the pros:
Our team isn't that good right now. OU will probably fuck us up on our home turf, which means there will be countless, pissed off Nebraskans (and players at the bars/parties) for you to screw with.
The bars are within easy walking distance of the stadium, and alcohol is cheap here ($1 20oz beers/$2 calls if you know where to go).
It's only October, so the hot freshmen haven't had time to drop out/get fat/catch VD yet.
They shoot hot dogs out of a cannon at games. If you can't make a story happen out of that, I don't know who can.
This whole state bleeds Husker Red. Think about it, what the hell else is there to be proud of, the zoo in Omaha? If you want college football, you can't possibly justify taking Lincoln off the map.
Dan Beavers
P.S. - Don't bother with NU vs Mizzou in Colombia. I've been there...it's not that great. Pick LSU vs Auburn or Bama vs UT.
******************
Not a bad argument. Not stellar, but a start. I did however make one big mistake, and I should have known better than to make a mistake around Tucker Max. Tucker's reply:
"Florida vs. Georgia is respectable, but would be better on a yearwhen you can see it Between the Hedges"
UF/Ga is played EVERY YEAR in Jacksonville. Its NEVER played in Athensor Gainesville. I'm the football retard?
This is why I will never go to Nebraska: Youpeople are too stupid to even see your own stupidity.
***********
He's got me on the Jacksonville thing, and if I were neutral, I'd have a hard time not going to The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party myself. Evidently it's an entire weekend spent in a drunken haze with a football game mixed in there somewhere. I could try to go after him for typos, but he was probably drunk and if that's all I've got, I should just quit anyhow.
As for people in Nebraska being too stupid to know they're stupid...I can't dispute that. I've spent too many years lifeguarding and working in restaurants and encountered too many people to say that this state is not full of total fucking idiots who refuse to acknowledge the concept that they are dipshits and wouldn't have made it past natural selection if smarter people weren't always looking out for them. If we weren't bordered by Iowa, Wyoming and the Dakotas, we'd have nothing to make us feel good about our state. Oh, and don't forget Missouri. I swear everyone between St. Louis and KC is dumb/ugly as hell. We here in Nebraska have football, a good zoo and good steak...and that's about it. We can't even brag about corn any more because everyone has corn. S
till though, I wanted a better reason from Tucker. My reply:
Point, Tucker. Still though 99% of people everywhere are morons. There's got to be a better reason not to come to a game here. You can't tell me that you don't expect to be surrounded by painfully fucking stupid people at an SEC game.
He sent me back another reason I couldn't counter:
Yes, SEC people are stupid, but 1. They know it, and 2. Their girls are hotter.
He's thought this through. The South may be a lot of things, but it isn't dishonest. Southerners know they're a bunch of rednecks, and they're proud of that. They're ass-backwards, classless jackasses, but they'll be the first to admit it...so at least you know what you're getting into. People in most of the rest of the country are neither aware of, nor comfortable with their stupidity. Lots of states that suck know they suck. When I meet people from North Dakota, they know that it sucks there and they don't bullshit. We think Nebraska is a good place to live, and there's something wrong with that. Omaha is ok, and Lincoln is ok only because of UNL, but the rest of the state is fucking flat and boring and we haven't figured it out.
As for the girls being hotter, no contest. I will never forget going to Nashville for my sister's graduation from Vanderbilt and kicking myself all weekend long for not having gotten good enough grades to go someplace like Vandy or Emory instead of settling for Nebraska. Southern girls are WAY hotter than Nebraska girls, and it's not because their genotypes are superior, it's because they try harder. Among the things that are NOT acceptable for a Southern Belle:
1) Not wearing make-up
2) Pajamas
3) Not "doing" their hair
4) Getting fat
And if they forget, their mothers will psychologically assault them until they fall back in line. Basically if you're talking about hotness on a 1-10 scale, southern girls always make sure they're at the top end of their rating, while girls around here are much more comfortable with taking that bottom end of their average out into public. A girl who might be a 6 here is pushed by southern tradition to being an 8 at all times. I've seen it firsthand, and I'm sure it sucks for them, but I love them for it. They dress nicer, they work harder, they are more image-conscious and it shows. Period.
All in all, Tucker has housed me in this argument, and the more I look back on it...I didn't have an argument to begin with. Tucker is not an NU or OU fan, so why would a big game between teams you don't necessarily care about beat out a weekend of debauchery when you grew up with the Big Ten and SEC anyhow? It'd be like somebody from BYU trying to get me to see them play Utah the weekend of the NU-CU game. Not gonna happen. This is why even though Tucker and Maddox (www.maddox.xmission.com) are undeniable assholes; I'll always read them religiously, because they're right.
posted by Beav at 3:18 PM
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