Seriously, Why? (hotornot.com)
Alright, I think I'm beginning to find my calling in life, and it's taking pictures from hotornot.com and making fun of them. The overwhelming response to the last post made me consider trolling for pictures and getting to work, but I didn't. When I saw this picture in Brett's profile, though, I could not keep silent.
http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=GYNMHSR
I'm not gonna write anything yet. Go back and look at it again.
http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=GYNMHSR
I think for a moment that this must be a joke photo...but then as I look into the "meet me" stuff, I realize that she's serious. This girl:
http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=GYNMHSR
She's serious.
Ok. I think I can sum this photo, if not this person in 3 words:
What
The
Fuck?!?
Now, take a moment to breathe in and let's have a look at the photo itself. Ready? Let's begin.
First of all, thank you for drawing an arrow to yourself. I really thought for a minute that you were the drummer in back who is completely obscured by flailing hair and wanted to be rated based on the beats we imagine you to be cranking out, and you threw a horrifying fat chick in there to boost your rating by juxtaposition.
Next, you have a microphone in your hand, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you must be...oh, wait a second...you've used paint to spray-paint/scrawl in that you are in the process of "rockin out". Thanks for taking the guesswork out of it for me, because I'm functionally retarded and could not have surmised what is going on in this photo without that eloquent caption. Also, let me just say that if that is what rockin out looks like, I never, ever, ever in my life want to rock out. Never.
Also, the microphone is off the stand and in your left hand, so why the hell are you holding the stand in your right? Oh, I know! You're using it to poke at the roast pig you've got turning on a spit just off camera, and judging by the look on your face, it's almost done and you're pretty damn excited about it. Also, what vowel sound is that you're singing right now? I'm a trained vocalist, but I'm not sure I recognize that one. Oh wait, I think I can make it out...it's..."Mmmmm, pork..."
As I look over the details of this photo again, I realize that the drummer is actually the most pathetic individual pictured, because he's playing backup to this girl. If this is your gig as a drummer, give up not just drumming, but music.
Ok, now let's talk abut your outfit here, Kara. I like what you've done by dressing your gargantuan, pale body in all black. It gives a nice "killer whale" effect that really comes through nicely in the grayscale photo. They say that black is a slimming color. I say there's not enough black in the world.
Let's have a go at her keywords:
She's got an entire category that I'm not going to touch. Included are: Bible, Christian, Church, God, Jesus, and Love. I think I'm above a lot of things, but God ain't one of them. Really though, how redundant is this list?
She has not turned in a flawless resume', however. We have some problem words in here.
Black. When did black become the official color of painfully stupid teenagers? They should wear a color that accurately reflects them, such as "hunter" orange. It's the color that says "please don't shoot me, even though that may be your first instinct." Much more fitting. Also, if you're so uninteresting that you have to connect with people based on a color, don't leave your room.
Bubble Baths. GOD DAMMIT!!! Why the fuck would you do that to me?!?!?!?!? The last thing in the world I needed was the image of you slipping into a sudsy tub...what kind of sadistic fuck are you? Actually though, now that I think about it, the image of the water washing in a homemade tsunami over the side when she drops that girthous mass into the tub is pretty funny. I also imagine a complex system of ropes and pulleys is employed to get her out of there at bath's end. I also imagine that if I was Mr. Bubble and she wanted to toss me into that bathwater with her, I'd find a way to fucking kill myself.
Chicken. Well, file that under "Things that don't surprise me even a little bit." Twinkies must have finished just off the list.
Cool. Clearly you don't have any idea what cool is, but I'll give you a hint, it's not something:
A) that applies to you
or
B) that should ever be listed by itself on a profile
Cute. See above.
Hilary Duff. That does it; I hereby revoke your right to procreate. If you legitimately idolize Hilary Duff, there is a special place in the "dipshit" section of hell waiting for you when you die.
I Love God. Well you'd better, because he's gotta be the only one capable of loving you. (Side note, my ticket to hell just got a 1st class upgrade with that last comment.)
Losing Weight. Well, you're on the right track here...but you're also lying. If you're one of those Christians who lives by the motto "WWJD?" Then evidently Jesus would single-handedly shut down the Old Country Buffet.
Metal. We've got another raw materials enthusiast on our hands. "I like metal. The oven is made out of metal, and so is the cake pan. They help bring me happiness. Well, them and God."
Rock, Rocker, Rockin' Out. These, respectively, are the missing words to the following sentences:
"I am about as interesting as a _______."
"By the time I'm 20, my knees will be shot from the constant strain of carrying my huge body around, so I will be confined to a ______."
"If the point of music was to utterly confuse and mortify an audience, then I would be _______."
This piece of work has a message for all of us, and it is this:
i like to rock out to hilary duff..she is so rockish!! i love god. im a christian..god is love and love is real..just remember that if there was no god anything would be possible!! my name is kara
I am one sentence in, and already I'm in pain. You've started your message with any oxymoron. Nobody rocks out to Hilary Duff, not even Hilary Duff herself. Her music is absolute pop fluff finished with a thorough coat of shit. Also, "rockish" is not a word. It does, however, sorta rhyme with "nauseous", which is how I'm beginning to feel after realizing that you really mean this shit.
"I love, God. I'm a Christian..God is love and love is real." Holy shit! This girl just formulated a logical syllogism that proves the existence of God! Ladies and Gentlemen, after thousands of years of debate, some fat chick from...somewhere...has just proven the existence of God!!! Well, if you don't get too wrapped up in all that stuff in her first interest, The Bible, which never quite provides a unidirectional and focused picture of God as love...but let's not get into that. This girl just solved so many of the world's problems! Let's all have 2 buckets of KFC apiece to celebrate!
"Just remember that if there was no God anything would be possible." Read that a couple times. That's what she wrote. If there was no God, anything would be possible. Evidently it is only through the existence of God that some things are presently impossible. Strikes me as a hell of a departure from the familiar Christian mantra of "Through Him, all things are possible", but ok. I'll roll with you. So what you're saying is that if we can find a way to get rid of God, I will be able not only to fly, but also to shoot laser beams from my nipples, because anything will be possible?
For those of you who fear that absence of God will mean absence of love, fear not. Her logic did not state that all love was of God, it just said that God was love. Let's break it down.
Premise: All God is love. (A -> B) Valid.
Premise: All love is real (B -> C) Valid.
Conclusion: All God is real (A -> C) Valid.
Draw a Venn diagram. It works. However, we cannot go this way.
Premise: All God is love
Premise: All God is real
Conclusion: Not God, therefore not love. INVALID
It just isn't logically sound. Check this out though:
Premise: Not God, therefore anything. (Accepted)
Premise: Me Sleeping with Natalie Portman is anything. VALID
Conclusion: If not God, then I am sleeping with Natalie Portman...and also love can still exist. I'm having a hard time seeing the downside of this scenario, but maybe that's blasphemous. Let's move on.
Last but not least, your name is Kara. Usually one puts one's name first, but obviously you put God, Hillary Duff, and chicken before yourself. Don't worry, it shows.
I'd like to close by pointing out that by selecting this as her photo, young Kara is essentially saying "Look, world! This is me captured at my finest! This is me at the peak of my game! Tell me what you think!" Need I say more?
http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=GYNMHSR
I'm not gonna write anything yet. Go back and look at it again.
http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=GYNMHSR
I think for a moment that this must be a joke photo...but then as I look into the "meet me" stuff, I realize that she's serious. This girl:
http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=GYNMHSR
She's serious.
Ok. I think I can sum this photo, if not this person in 3 words:
What
The
Fuck?!?
Now, take a moment to breathe in and let's have a look at the photo itself. Ready? Let's begin.
First of all, thank you for drawing an arrow to yourself. I really thought for a minute that you were the drummer in back who is completely obscured by flailing hair and wanted to be rated based on the beats we imagine you to be cranking out, and you threw a horrifying fat chick in there to boost your rating by juxtaposition.
Next, you have a microphone in your hand, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you must be...oh, wait a second...you've used paint to spray-paint/scrawl in that you are in the process of "rockin out". Thanks for taking the guesswork out of it for me, because I'm functionally retarded and could not have surmised what is going on in this photo without that eloquent caption. Also, let me just say that if that is what rockin out looks like, I never, ever, ever in my life want to rock out. Never.
Also, the microphone is off the stand and in your left hand, so why the hell are you holding the stand in your right? Oh, I know! You're using it to poke at the roast pig you've got turning on a spit just off camera, and judging by the look on your face, it's almost done and you're pretty damn excited about it. Also, what vowel sound is that you're singing right now? I'm a trained vocalist, but I'm not sure I recognize that one. Oh wait, I think I can make it out...it's..."Mmmmm, pork..."
As I look over the details of this photo again, I realize that the drummer is actually the most pathetic individual pictured, because he's playing backup to this girl. If this is your gig as a drummer, give up not just drumming, but music.
Ok, now let's talk abut your outfit here, Kara. I like what you've done by dressing your gargantuan, pale body in all black. It gives a nice "killer whale" effect that really comes through nicely in the grayscale photo. They say that black is a slimming color. I say there's not enough black in the world.
Let's have a go at her keywords:
She's got an entire category that I'm not going to touch. Included are: Bible, Christian, Church, God, Jesus, and Love. I think I'm above a lot of things, but God ain't one of them. Really though, how redundant is this list?
She has not turned in a flawless resume', however. We have some problem words in here.
Black. When did black become the official color of painfully stupid teenagers? They should wear a color that accurately reflects them, such as "hunter" orange. It's the color that says "please don't shoot me, even though that may be your first instinct." Much more fitting. Also, if you're so uninteresting that you have to connect with people based on a color, don't leave your room.
Bubble Baths. GOD DAMMIT!!! Why the fuck would you do that to me?!?!?!?!? The last thing in the world I needed was the image of you slipping into a sudsy tub...what kind of sadistic fuck are you? Actually though, now that I think about it, the image of the water washing in a homemade tsunami over the side when she drops that girthous mass into the tub is pretty funny. I also imagine a complex system of ropes and pulleys is employed to get her out of there at bath's end. I also imagine that if I was Mr. Bubble and she wanted to toss me into that bathwater with her, I'd find a way to fucking kill myself.
Chicken. Well, file that under "Things that don't surprise me even a little bit." Twinkies must have finished just off the list.
Cool. Clearly you don't have any idea what cool is, but I'll give you a hint, it's not something:
A) that applies to you
or
B) that should ever be listed by itself on a profile
Cute. See above.
Hilary Duff. That does it; I hereby revoke your right to procreate. If you legitimately idolize Hilary Duff, there is a special place in the "dipshit" section of hell waiting for you when you die.
I Love God. Well you'd better, because he's gotta be the only one capable of loving you. (Side note, my ticket to hell just got a 1st class upgrade with that last comment.)
Losing Weight. Well, you're on the right track here...but you're also lying. If you're one of those Christians who lives by the motto "WWJD?" Then evidently Jesus would single-handedly shut down the Old Country Buffet.
Metal. We've got another raw materials enthusiast on our hands. "I like metal. The oven is made out of metal, and so is the cake pan. They help bring me happiness. Well, them and God."
Rock, Rocker, Rockin' Out. These, respectively, are the missing words to the following sentences:
"I am about as interesting as a _______."
"By the time I'm 20, my knees will be shot from the constant strain of carrying my huge body around, so I will be confined to a ______."
"If the point of music was to utterly confuse and mortify an audience, then I would be _______."
This piece of work has a message for all of us, and it is this:
i like to rock out to hilary duff..she is so rockish!! i love god. im a christian..god is love and love is real..just remember that if there was no god anything would be possible!! my name is kara
I am one sentence in, and already I'm in pain. You've started your message with any oxymoron. Nobody rocks out to Hilary Duff, not even Hilary Duff herself. Her music is absolute pop fluff finished with a thorough coat of shit. Also, "rockish" is not a word. It does, however, sorta rhyme with "nauseous", which is how I'm beginning to feel after realizing that you really mean this shit.
"I love, God. I'm a Christian..God is love and love is real." Holy shit! This girl just formulated a logical syllogism that proves the existence of God! Ladies and Gentlemen, after thousands of years of debate, some fat chick from...somewhere...has just proven the existence of God!!! Well, if you don't get too wrapped up in all that stuff in her first interest, The Bible, which never quite provides a unidirectional and focused picture of God as love...but let's not get into that. This girl just solved so many of the world's problems! Let's all have 2 buckets of KFC apiece to celebrate!
"Just remember that if there was no God anything would be possible." Read that a couple times. That's what she wrote. If there was no God, anything would be possible. Evidently it is only through the existence of God that some things are presently impossible. Strikes me as a hell of a departure from the familiar Christian mantra of "Through Him, all things are possible", but ok. I'll roll with you. So what you're saying is that if we can find a way to get rid of God, I will be able not only to fly, but also to shoot laser beams from my nipples, because anything will be possible?
For those of you who fear that absence of God will mean absence of love, fear not. Her logic did not state that all love was of God, it just said that God was love. Let's break it down.
Premise: All God is love. (A -> B) Valid.
Premise: All love is real (B -> C) Valid.
Conclusion: All God is real (A -> C) Valid.
Draw a Venn diagram. It works. However, we cannot go this way.
Premise: All God is love
Premise: All God is real
Conclusion: Not God, therefore not love. INVALID
It just isn't logically sound. Check this out though:
Premise: Not God, therefore anything. (Accepted)
Premise: Me Sleeping with Natalie Portman is anything. VALID
Conclusion: If not God, then I am sleeping with Natalie Portman...and also love can still exist. I'm having a hard time seeing the downside of this scenario, but maybe that's blasphemous. Let's move on.
Last but not least, your name is Kara. Usually one puts one's name first, but obviously you put God, Hillary Duff, and chicken before yourself. Don't worry, it shows.
I'd like to close by pointing out that by selecting this as her photo, young Kara is essentially saying "Look, world! This is me captured at my finest! This is me at the peak of my game! Tell me what you think!" Need I say more?
posted by Beav at 4:50 PM
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