Great Ways To Piss Off Your Server
Well, it's mid-summer, and I'm bored. I spent 45 minutes at work today before I was sent home because nodody wants to sit on the patio and eat when it's 90 and humid outside. For some completely asinine reason, management insists on scheduling a server to show up for lunch and stand around in the bar while secretly hoping nobody sits out on the patio. Sometimes somebody does, and it pisses me off. They should sit in the damn bar because the heat index is 110 out there and it's not worth it to me to sweat off 5 pounds because you couldn't go half an hour without a parliament menthol. "But Beav," you say, "how are they supposed to know what not to do in a restaurant if they've never worked in one?" Well, I'll help everyone out by listing some things that people often do in restaurants that drive servers up a fucking wall:
1) Order without saying hello.
If I had a dollar for every time I've had this conversation:
Beav: "Hi, how are you folks today?"
Crotchety Old Guy (not looking up): "Iced Tea, no lemon, and water. She'll have water. Lemon."
I'd have enough money to skip work so that I don't have to deal with assholes who do this.
First of all, when somebody says hello to you, say hello. I think this was covered in pre-school. If you're too much of an antisocial ass to pay people the most basic of common courtesies, then cook your own fucking food. Secondly, I asked you a question, and it's customary to respond with an answer to the question "How are you today" and not to the unasked question "What would you like to drink, you contemptable old scrotum-face?" Don't start our interaction by treating me like an indentured servant. I'm going to be handling your food, and I'm creative. I know of a lot of things that could "happen" to it that you'd never know about, so smile and say hi back and let me do my job the way I'm supposed to.
2) Order two drinks simultaniously
There are two exceptions to this:
A) You are drinking coffee (which is acceptable only before noon, after you've had dinner, or when you are hung over)
B) You are drinking alcohol.
Otherwise, don't be that guy who gets a pop and a water. What are you, a camel? Do you need 40 oz of beverage on the table at all times? The last thing I need is to make 3 trips to get drinks for 5 people, so pick a beverage and go with it. Refills are free, you don't need to stockpile.
3) Ordering a diet pop with your 3,200 calorie meal.
This is a pet tactic of the morbidly obese, and while it might not irritate most people, the psych major/logical human being in me can't stand the irony. Picture the following order:
"I'll have the rib and meat combo (4 large spare ribs) with rib tips (18oz), and for my sides I'll have fries (12 oz) and a baked potato with everything (butter, sour cream, cheese and bacon on a potato that weighs about a pound) and can I get an extra muffin (in addition to the one muffin and corn on the cob already included with the platter), and can I just have a diet coke to drink?"
Yeah, you can "just have" a diet coke to drink. Way to use the word "just" to emphasize what a keyed-down move it is for you to drink diet. Let me guess, you're gonna lose the extra 150 pounds that forced you to sit at a table instead of a booth one diet soda at a time, right? Or is it that you're already a Type-II diabetic because you have 70% body fat? You just ordered enough food to feed a normal sized human for at least 2 days, you might as well have the coke too. I know damn well you're gonna drink 3 "just diets" and ask me for more butter for your muffins when I come back anyway.
These are the same people who proudly order a salad because salad is considered healthy, even though we load ours with cheese, eggs and bacon and then ask me for an extra side of ranch to drown it in, thus making it approximately 150% more unhealthy than a Big Mac.
Don't get me wrong, I love having fat people at my tables because they order a lot and they love you for bringing them food and will thus be happy and tip well, I just wish they had the honesty that my 300+ pound manager has when he carries his meal to a table to eat and tells me, "Move it or lose it, fat kid needs to eat."
4) Say they're ready to oder without actually reading/understading the menu
This seems to happen exclusively when 3 or more of my other tables need something. If you have questions, that's fine. I'll answer them for you. I'll even suggest menu items, but don't claim to be ready and then start your investigation, especially when I'm clearly busy. He's a sample of conversations that I've not only actually had, but have actually had many times:
Beav: "Are we all set to order, or do you need a couple minutes?"
Moron: "No, we're ready. Now...what's a California burger?"
Beav: "It's just a burger with lettuce and tomato. Just a regular burger."
Moron: (Stares blankly)
Beav: "It's just a normal hamburger like you find anywhere. I honestly don't know why they call it a California burger."
Moron: "So it's got, like...cheese?"
Beav: (Pointing to cheeseburger on menu) "No, our cheeseburger is right here, you can have that with your choice of cheddar, jack, or pepperjack cheese."
Moron: "Oh, no I don't want that, I was just curious as to what a California burger is."
Beav: (Tangibly mustering more patience) "Yeah, it's just a hamburger with lettuce and tomato. Okay...well what would you like?"
Moron: "I'll have that two meat combo." (Long silence)
Beav: "Alright, and what two meats did you want on that?"
Moron: "Well, ok here's my question: Can I do like...ribs on that?"
Beav: (Pointing to Rib & Meat combo on menu) "Yeah, we can do a rib and meat combo for you. What did you want for your other meat?"
Moron: "Oh, ok, I didn't see that. (Long pause) Umm...gimme the chicken."
Beav: "Did you want BBQ, or roast chicken?"
Moron: (Looking at me like I'm stupid) "BBQ."
Beav: "Ok, and that'll come with your choice of two sides."
Moron: (Picking up menu) "Oh, really? Where are all those?"
Beav: (Pointing to any of the 3+ places the sides are listed on the menu right below where it clearly states all platters and what comes with them) "They're right here, you can have fries, baked beans, coleslaw, potato salad, apples..."
Moron: "Uhm.......let's see here.........now...what are drunkin' apples?!?"
This is a question that routinely baffles me. What the hell could they possibly be? There are about 3 total ways on earth to prepare apples, and ultimately they all taste about the same. What fucking difference does it make? Either you like apples or you don't. Don't worry about the stupid buzzwords that were made up when corporate outsourced the menu design to some marketing firm in Minneapolis. Along with this question always comes "What are Wilbur beans?!?" They're one of a jillion possible variations on baked beans that comes out tasting 99% similar to any other baked beans you ever had. Either you like beans or you don't. Don't ask me stupid questions.
Beav: (Gives lengthy description of how apples are prepared) "...they're my favorite, I recommend them."
Moron: "No, I don't want that. Umm.....uhhhhhh....Gimme potatah salad and...a biscuit."
Idiots always pronounce it "potatah". Never fails. However, using this pronunciation does not make one an idiot, it just so happens that all idiots use this pronunciation. Also, we do not have "a biscuit". We have a cornbread muffin, which other than being baked and of similar texture, is nothing like a biscuit.
Beav: "Actually, the platter comes with cornbread muffin and corn on the cob right with it, so would you like to choose another side?"
Moron: (Showing signs of mental exhaustion, turning to idiot wife) "Uhm....will you eat more corn if I get it? Do you want it? Well...wait, I guess you'll get corn with yours too...do you want more corn? Uhm.......just gimme 'slaw I guess. And can we get some extra napkins?"
Beav: "Yeah, actually there's a roll of paper towels on your table there for you, so that should take care of it."
I stand and twirl my pen while looking expectantly at my order book while this all goes on. I should try to act like I don't mind, but if you tell me you are ready, then this means that you understand what you're ordering and what comes with it, and what that entails. If you don't, you ask first and decide on your own time so that I don't have to stand at your table for 5 minutes when I could have spent 20 seconds and gotten back to serving the other 15 people at my tables. When in doubt, read the Goddamn menu. Funny story, restaurants are required to tell you what you get when you order your meal and how much it costs, and they write this all down and give it to you. Don't be fucking lazy and don't waste my time because you can't bothered to do 30 seconds of light reading.
5) Ordering outside the menu
This is probably the most common and most overlooked of all the dick moves in restaurant patronage. There is one exception to this rule, and it's food allergies. Unless you are going to drop dead of anaphalactic shock right there in my section, you can choose to manually exclude the tomato from your cheeseburger yourself, jackass. Pick it off, it takes you 2 seconds of your own time which is clearly not at a premium since you're at a sit-down dinner. It takes me at least 5 times as long to type it in, and if the cooks don't read the ticket right you're gonna take it personally and snidely remind me that you didn't want tomato when your food arrives, either that or I have to send your food back to be remade and you're pissed because it takes 25 minutes.
Here's some tips to help you know if you're making an obnoxious order:
You start your oder with the words "Could I possibly...", "Is there any way to do...", "Would it work to..." or "Is there anything else I could get instead of..."
Find something you like on the menu and order it. If you want to invent food items, open your own restaurant. If you don't like anything, go somewhere else, don't make me spend half the night typing your order in one letter at a time on a touch screen and then going back to explain to the cooks not only what the hell you want, but my theories as to why.
6) Running the server
If you need a side of ranch, another water, a clean fork to replace the one you dropped, and another 4 saltines for your toddler to distribute around the table and floor, you probably know that all at once. Don't ask me for them one trip at at time, because it's fucking annoying. If your drink is empty, say something when I'm on my way to get your friend's drink, don't take a couple gulps while I'm gone and decide that you need one too when I get back with his. Ideally, anticipate your own needs and tell the server when you order. Stream-of-consciousness is for therapy sessions, not lunches.
7) Paying your 4 separate checks with 4 separate credit cards
Assholes. Thank you for not monopolizing both my time and my pens. If you're only paying for yourself, you're gonna pay me $10 even anyhow. Find a way to procure a $10 bill before you come in so that I don't have to stand at the computer for the next 20 minutes running and sorting 4 people's credit cards and cross-referencing them with your order and then spending another 10 closing out all those cards and making sure they match up after you leave. There's a 2 card maximum per table before it gets to be a pain in the ass.
8) Asking, "Could you go ahead and box this up?"
No, but you could, you lazy bastard. One of us is working and the other is sitting around talking. I tell people that I, in fact, cannot box their food for them because of "health codes" and that they must box their own food when they ask me this. What they don't know won't hurt them, but it will save me from going in the back with their plate, putting on gloves, picking up the uneaten food, putting it in the box, taking the gloves off and throwing them away, washing my hands, closing the box, then taking it out to their lazy ass.
9) Being a cheapass.
If you got good service, tip 20%. If you can't do the math, get a tip table. If you "can't afford" to tip, then you "can't afford" to go out to eat. Servers make $2 an hour, so throwing down $50 on your $48.37 ticket and proudly announcing "The rest is yours" is not ok. Also, if you got a discount or used a gift card, you should tip on the total cost of the food before any deductions, not the few bucks left over after you cashed out your $40 gift card.
10) Demanding/selecting a booth when the hostess wants to seat you at a table.
They're all seats. They're all going to be served. Booths are not sacred, and they're not more comfortable, but they probably are in a completely different server's section than the one the hostess is trying to sit you in. Don't fuck up the rotation because you have a need for your seat to be covered in vinyl, and sure as shit don't inform them where you'll be sitting. You wouldn't go to a concert and inform the usher where you want to sit, you'd go where your damn ticket says.
I'm quite sure this list is incomplete, so as I think of more irritating shit that people do, I'll add it on. Meanwhile, if you choose to engage in too many of the above behaviors, pray that your waiter or waitress is very patient and understanding, or you might find that your food has a distinctly kitchen floor-like flavor to it...
1) Order without saying hello.
If I had a dollar for every time I've had this conversation:
Beav: "Hi, how are you folks today?"
Crotchety Old Guy (not looking up): "Iced Tea, no lemon, and water. She'll have water. Lemon."
I'd have enough money to skip work so that I don't have to deal with assholes who do this.
First of all, when somebody says hello to you, say hello. I think this was covered in pre-school. If you're too much of an antisocial ass to pay people the most basic of common courtesies, then cook your own fucking food. Secondly, I asked you a question, and it's customary to respond with an answer to the question "How are you today" and not to the unasked question "What would you like to drink, you contemptable old scrotum-face?" Don't start our interaction by treating me like an indentured servant. I'm going to be handling your food, and I'm creative. I know of a lot of things that could "happen" to it that you'd never know about, so smile and say hi back and let me do my job the way I'm supposed to.
2) Order two drinks simultaniously
There are two exceptions to this:
A) You are drinking coffee (which is acceptable only before noon, after you've had dinner, or when you are hung over)
B) You are drinking alcohol.
Otherwise, don't be that guy who gets a pop and a water. What are you, a camel? Do you need 40 oz of beverage on the table at all times? The last thing I need is to make 3 trips to get drinks for 5 people, so pick a beverage and go with it. Refills are free, you don't need to stockpile.
3) Ordering a diet pop with your 3,200 calorie meal.
This is a pet tactic of the morbidly obese, and while it might not irritate most people, the psych major/logical human being in me can't stand the irony. Picture the following order:
"I'll have the rib and meat combo (4 large spare ribs) with rib tips (18oz), and for my sides I'll have fries (12 oz) and a baked potato with everything (butter, sour cream, cheese and bacon on a potato that weighs about a pound) and can I get an extra muffin (in addition to the one muffin and corn on the cob already included with the platter), and can I just have a diet coke to drink?"
Yeah, you can "just have" a diet coke to drink. Way to use the word "just" to emphasize what a keyed-down move it is for you to drink diet. Let me guess, you're gonna lose the extra 150 pounds that forced you to sit at a table instead of a booth one diet soda at a time, right? Or is it that you're already a Type-II diabetic because you have 70% body fat? You just ordered enough food to feed a normal sized human for at least 2 days, you might as well have the coke too. I know damn well you're gonna drink 3 "just diets" and ask me for more butter for your muffins when I come back anyway.
These are the same people who proudly order a salad because salad is considered healthy, even though we load ours with cheese, eggs and bacon and then ask me for an extra side of ranch to drown it in, thus making it approximately 150% more unhealthy than a Big Mac.
Don't get me wrong, I love having fat people at my tables because they order a lot and they love you for bringing them food and will thus be happy and tip well, I just wish they had the honesty that my 300+ pound manager has when he carries his meal to a table to eat and tells me, "Move it or lose it, fat kid needs to eat."
4) Say they're ready to oder without actually reading/understading the menu
This seems to happen exclusively when 3 or more of my other tables need something. If you have questions, that's fine. I'll answer them for you. I'll even suggest menu items, but don't claim to be ready and then start your investigation, especially when I'm clearly busy. He's a sample of conversations that I've not only actually had, but have actually had many times:
Beav: "Are we all set to order, or do you need a couple minutes?"
Moron: "No, we're ready. Now...what's a California burger?"
Beav: "It's just a burger with lettuce and tomato. Just a regular burger."
Moron: (Stares blankly)
Beav: "It's just a normal hamburger like you find anywhere. I honestly don't know why they call it a California burger."
Moron: "So it's got, like...cheese?"
Beav: (Pointing to cheeseburger on menu) "No, our cheeseburger is right here, you can have that with your choice of cheddar, jack, or pepperjack cheese."
Moron: "Oh, no I don't want that, I was just curious as to what a California burger is."
Beav: (Tangibly mustering more patience) "Yeah, it's just a hamburger with lettuce and tomato. Okay...well what would you like?"
Moron: "I'll have that two meat combo." (Long silence)
Beav: "Alright, and what two meats did you want on that?"
Moron: "Well, ok here's my question: Can I do like...ribs on that?"
Beav: (Pointing to Rib & Meat combo on menu) "Yeah, we can do a rib and meat combo for you. What did you want for your other meat?"
Moron: "Oh, ok, I didn't see that. (Long pause) Umm...gimme the chicken."
Beav: "Did you want BBQ, or roast chicken?"
Moron: (Looking at me like I'm stupid) "BBQ."
Beav: "Ok, and that'll come with your choice of two sides."
Moron: (Picking up menu) "Oh, really? Where are all those?"
Beav: (Pointing to any of the 3+ places the sides are listed on the menu right below where it clearly states all platters and what comes with them) "They're right here, you can have fries, baked beans, coleslaw, potato salad, apples..."
Moron: "Uhm.......let's see here.........now...what are drunkin' apples?!?"
This is a question that routinely baffles me. What the hell could they possibly be? There are about 3 total ways on earth to prepare apples, and ultimately they all taste about the same. What fucking difference does it make? Either you like apples or you don't. Don't worry about the stupid buzzwords that were made up when corporate outsourced the menu design to some marketing firm in Minneapolis. Along with this question always comes "What are Wilbur beans?!?" They're one of a jillion possible variations on baked beans that comes out tasting 99% similar to any other baked beans you ever had. Either you like beans or you don't. Don't ask me stupid questions.
Beav: (Gives lengthy description of how apples are prepared) "...they're my favorite, I recommend them."
Moron: "No, I don't want that. Umm.....uhhhhhh....Gimme potatah salad and...a biscuit."
Idiots always pronounce it "potatah". Never fails. However, using this pronunciation does not make one an idiot, it just so happens that all idiots use this pronunciation. Also, we do not have "a biscuit". We have a cornbread muffin, which other than being baked and of similar texture, is nothing like a biscuit.
Beav: "Actually, the platter comes with cornbread muffin and corn on the cob right with it, so would you like to choose another side?"
Moron: (Showing signs of mental exhaustion, turning to idiot wife) "Uhm....will you eat more corn if I get it? Do you want it? Well...wait, I guess you'll get corn with yours too...do you want more corn? Uhm.......just gimme 'slaw I guess. And can we get some extra napkins?"
Beav: "Yeah, actually there's a roll of paper towels on your table there for you, so that should take care of it."
I stand and twirl my pen while looking expectantly at my order book while this all goes on. I should try to act like I don't mind, but if you tell me you are ready, then this means that you understand what you're ordering and what comes with it, and what that entails. If you don't, you ask first and decide on your own time so that I don't have to stand at your table for 5 minutes when I could have spent 20 seconds and gotten back to serving the other 15 people at my tables. When in doubt, read the Goddamn menu. Funny story, restaurants are required to tell you what you get when you order your meal and how much it costs, and they write this all down and give it to you. Don't be fucking lazy and don't waste my time because you can't bothered to do 30 seconds of light reading.
5) Ordering outside the menu
This is probably the most common and most overlooked of all the dick moves in restaurant patronage. There is one exception to this rule, and it's food allergies. Unless you are going to drop dead of anaphalactic shock right there in my section, you can choose to manually exclude the tomato from your cheeseburger yourself, jackass. Pick it off, it takes you 2 seconds of your own time which is clearly not at a premium since you're at a sit-down dinner. It takes me at least 5 times as long to type it in, and if the cooks don't read the ticket right you're gonna take it personally and snidely remind me that you didn't want tomato when your food arrives, either that or I have to send your food back to be remade and you're pissed because it takes 25 minutes.
Here's some tips to help you know if you're making an obnoxious order:
You start your oder with the words "Could I possibly...", "Is there any way to do...", "Would it work to..." or "Is there anything else I could get instead of..."
Find something you like on the menu and order it. If you want to invent food items, open your own restaurant. If you don't like anything, go somewhere else, don't make me spend half the night typing your order in one letter at a time on a touch screen and then going back to explain to the cooks not only what the hell you want, but my theories as to why.
6) Running the server
If you need a side of ranch, another water, a clean fork to replace the one you dropped, and another 4 saltines for your toddler to distribute around the table and floor, you probably know that all at once. Don't ask me for them one trip at at time, because it's fucking annoying. If your drink is empty, say something when I'm on my way to get your friend's drink, don't take a couple gulps while I'm gone and decide that you need one too when I get back with his. Ideally, anticipate your own needs and tell the server when you order. Stream-of-consciousness is for therapy sessions, not lunches.
7) Paying your 4 separate checks with 4 separate credit cards
Assholes. Thank you for not monopolizing both my time and my pens. If you're only paying for yourself, you're gonna pay me $10 even anyhow. Find a way to procure a $10 bill before you come in so that I don't have to stand at the computer for the next 20 minutes running and sorting 4 people's credit cards and cross-referencing them with your order and then spending another 10 closing out all those cards and making sure they match up after you leave. There's a 2 card maximum per table before it gets to be a pain in the ass.
8) Asking, "Could you go ahead and box this up?"
No, but you could, you lazy bastard. One of us is working and the other is sitting around talking. I tell people that I, in fact, cannot box their food for them because of "health codes" and that they must box their own food when they ask me this. What they don't know won't hurt them, but it will save me from going in the back with their plate, putting on gloves, picking up the uneaten food, putting it in the box, taking the gloves off and throwing them away, washing my hands, closing the box, then taking it out to their lazy ass.
9) Being a cheapass.
If you got good service, tip 20%. If you can't do the math, get a tip table. If you "can't afford" to tip, then you "can't afford" to go out to eat. Servers make $2 an hour, so throwing down $50 on your $48.37 ticket and proudly announcing "The rest is yours" is not ok. Also, if you got a discount or used a gift card, you should tip on the total cost of the food before any deductions, not the few bucks left over after you cashed out your $40 gift card.
10) Demanding/selecting a booth when the hostess wants to seat you at a table.
They're all seats. They're all going to be served. Booths are not sacred, and they're not more comfortable, but they probably are in a completely different server's section than the one the hostess is trying to sit you in. Don't fuck up the rotation because you have a need for your seat to be covered in vinyl, and sure as shit don't inform them where you'll be sitting. You wouldn't go to a concert and inform the usher where you want to sit, you'd go where your damn ticket says.
I'm quite sure this list is incomplete, so as I think of more irritating shit that people do, I'll add it on. Meanwhile, if you choose to engage in too many of the above behaviors, pray that your waiter or waitress is very patient and understanding, or you might find that your food has a distinctly kitchen floor-like flavor to it...
posted by Beav at 8:30 PM
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