...and They Call It "Closure"

It's a fall day in 2005, and it's shades of nothing I've ever experienced. Here we sit, on the shaded patio of Yia Yia's Pizza. Me and "the" ex. We are exchanging cordial, if not casual conversation and looks which are not so intense and not so avoidant...holy shit. I think we actually made it to 'just friends'. I'm not sure whose guard dropped first, but finally after two years of absolute posturing and unnecessary bitterness, we're just being human with each other again. That, combined with the crisp fall air, have me feeling more refreshed than I have since 2003.

There is something in the way we regard each other today that hasn't ever been present before. We openly acknowledge everything that happened before, but we no longer tiptoe around the core of the issues that have always loomed so large but gone unmentioned. She jabs at me about cheating, I jab at her about the breakup, and we laugh and move on. We discuss our respective and contrasting futures, but we no longer have to defend or apologize for them. We talk about relationships we've had, including our own. We talk about breakups, including our own. It isn't seamless, but it's a hell of a lot more than we've accomplished in prior years, and through it all the things that don't have to be said speak loudest of all.

It's in the tone of our voices, the body language, the timing and the looks we exchange. This is all familiarity and no implication. The thing I can see most clearly is that she is undeniably finished with me, at least in a romantic sense. The thing that surprises me is that today, I'm not smitten either. This is not to say that the writing wasn't on the wall all along, but something in me just didn't believe there was no more chance for us. Call me stubborn...I just had a hard time letting go of the girl I'd loved the most so long as I thought there still might be a chance for us. Today though, we finally had the time to push beyond the boundaries of a five minute interaction and get some bearings, and I see that I stand firmly in the 'friend zone'. I also see that she will be irretrievably gone within a year, and I'd be stupid to think I could keep her here. Hell, at least now I know.

I didn't watch GI Joe as a kid, but I did catch enough to know that knowing is half the battle. I'm not sure what the other half is, but I'm pretty sure it involves me falling for some other girl. Let's hope that part doesn't take two more years. For the moment, I'm just glad we've put all the bullshit behind us and I've got one of the people who really understands me back. The rest is gravy.