Fuck Seasonal Affective Disorder
Hey kids, it's that time again! That's right, it's the magical time of year when the days become short, the temperatures plummet, the leaves fall off the trees, and all of Lincoln looks like one flat, grey, dirty, God-forsaken expanse of shit. This is the time of year when Nebraska looks like what you would expect a state named "Cold, Bleak Wasteland" to look like. This is the time of yeah when one of my more charming little quirks springs to action. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Seasonal Affective Disorder. This little gem, along with the cold, is why I HATE the winter.
"But Beav," you ask, "what's Seasonal Affective Disorder?" Well, I'll tell you. Seasonal Affective Disorder is essentially a mood disorder in which certain people (namely me) tend to suffer symptoms of mild-to-severe depression during the winter months due to the lack of light. I'm lucky in that either my symptoms are mild enough or I'm vigilant enough about my mood that I don't get officially depressed. What, you ask, does a lack of light have to do with a higher instance of depressive symptoms? Well, as with most psychological phenomena, they're not exactly sure, but there are a few prevalent theories.
There has been decent evidence to suggest that serotonin "dysregulation" occurs in people with SAD. Let me translate that for you: "Something weird happens with their serotonin levels, but we're not always sure what or why." Serotonin is a major culprit in depressive disorders, which is why many anti-depressants are SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. Basically not having enough serotonin bums you out. Serotonin is largely produced during sleep, which is why exhausted people are no fucking fun, and may also be why people with SAD want to sleep so much more during the winter.
Another theory proposes that the brain produces excess melatonin because of the excess of dark conditions. Melatonin excess is thought to be linked to depression.
SAD has been around for a long, long time. It was first documented as a phenomenon sometime before 1845, but wasn't officially named and recognized until the 1980s. It is now classified in the DSM-IV and most estimates say that around 10% of the general population suffers a noticeable shift in affect during the winter.
People who get to party with SAD every winter enjoy such symptoms as these:
1) Regularly occurring symptoms of depression (excessive eating and sleeping, weight gain) during the fall or winter months. (Yep, that's me. Just ask Dave how fucking much I've slept lately. It's a lot. Also, don't ask me how I gained 5 pounds all of a sudden when I can't gain weight any other time even if I try.)
2) Full remission from depression occurs in the spring and summer months. (Yep. Ever hang out with me in the spring and summer? I'm like a giddy 5-year old half the time.)
3) Symptoms have occurred in the past two years, with no nonseasonal depression episodes. (Yep, unless you count getting dumped in harsh fashion and having to recover from that as a depression episode...which I guess you can if you want, but at least I had a reason.)
4) Seasonal episodes substantially outnumber nonseasonal depression episodes. (Yep. Ask Barker or Rachael what a little bitch I suddenly become and how much more moral support I require once daylight savings time switches back.)
5) A craving for sugary and/or starchy foods. (Not sure I can count this one, as I crave these foods all year, and also Thanksgiving was only last week. There was pretty much nothing but turkey, sugar and starch on that table.)
6) Feeling of fatigue and inability to carry out normal routine (lllllllllike a MOTHERFUCKER)
7) Feelings of misery, guilt and loss of self-esteem, sometimes hopelessness and despair, sometimes apathy and loss of feelings (I dunno about misery...and really my ego could use the downsize...but I'm gonna say no on hopelessness or despair)
8) Tension and inability to tolerate stress (Yeah basically. I'm usually not one to avoid conflict, but I have been lately)
9) Decreased interest in sex and physical contact (hahahahahaha, no. I think nothing short of castration could do that to me.)
10) Irritability and desire to avoid social contact (oooh, let's roll with this one for a minute)
Now I don't want to make it sound worse than it is. I'm certainly not sitting here tying a noose just because it gets dark at 5:00 PM. Basically the worst it gets for me is that I'm much easier to piss off from about December to March. I was getting real pissed off about the dishes just now, and I also got pretty cranky with Barker earlier today for having multiple screen names on AIM. I mean honestly, what the fuck? Other highlights of my week include going off on Rachael for hanging out with her boyfriend instead of devoting a full night to drinking with me and Barker. She still hasn't spoken to me since that one, despite me getting into a much more jovial mood once drunk and leaving her (in my opinion) some pretty hilarious voicemails. I also threatened physical violence on several members of The Bathtub Dogs (http://www.bathtubdogs.com/) last night if they didn't stop singing "skeet skeet skeet" during the break of one of our songs...but I think I was justified on that one.
So what's a boy to do? Well, I'm not sure exactly. I'm not about to go on fucking Zoloft for 3 months every year, so basically I guess I just suck it up and exercise more to get that sweet, sweet endorphin rush. Oh, and I go tanning too. It's not so much because I want to look tan, because I really don't mind being pale. Tanning is a practice for which I am often verbally accosted, but here are the 4 reasons I go tanning:
1) I literally get a weird rash on my legs if I don't get enough UV exposure
2) My face and chest don't break out (I know, my chest. That's gross.) when I tan regularly
3) It's warm, unlike the entire rest of this goddamn state
4) It's a nice place for a 10-15 minute power nap
4.25) Hot girls work at the tanning place, but they're really obviously fake-baked, which is why this is only one fourth of a reason. Plus they know my last name, which all but ruins my chance for a decent first impression. Take a survey of girls who want their married name to be Beavers, and I bet you get damn near 0%.
Not long ago there was an article in the USA Today about how one particular study found that exposure to UV light via tanning beds was correlated with improved mood. They had people basically go tanning, and then had a control group who thought they were tanning, but didn't get UV light. The people getting the UV had better mood afterward, so I now have a 5th reason to go: maybe I won't be such a little bitch. I'll be orange, but cheerful! Okay, I won't be orange; I don't go that much...but every little bit of added happiness helps.
The worst it really gets is being tired more often and a bit more touchy, so as burdens go, it's a pretty light one to bear. Still, though, fuck you Seasonal Affective Disorder. What kind of bastard stepchild to hibernation are you anyway?
"But Beav," you ask, "what's Seasonal Affective Disorder?" Well, I'll tell you. Seasonal Affective Disorder is essentially a mood disorder in which certain people (namely me) tend to suffer symptoms of mild-to-severe depression during the winter months due to the lack of light. I'm lucky in that either my symptoms are mild enough or I'm vigilant enough about my mood that I don't get officially depressed. What, you ask, does a lack of light have to do with a higher instance of depressive symptoms? Well, as with most psychological phenomena, they're not exactly sure, but there are a few prevalent theories.
There has been decent evidence to suggest that serotonin "dysregulation" occurs in people with SAD. Let me translate that for you: "Something weird happens with their serotonin levels, but we're not always sure what or why." Serotonin is a major culprit in depressive disorders, which is why many anti-depressants are SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. Basically not having enough serotonin bums you out. Serotonin is largely produced during sleep, which is why exhausted people are no fucking fun, and may also be why people with SAD want to sleep so much more during the winter.
Another theory proposes that the brain produces excess melatonin because of the excess of dark conditions. Melatonin excess is thought to be linked to depression.
SAD has been around for a long, long time. It was first documented as a phenomenon sometime before 1845, but wasn't officially named and recognized until the 1980s. It is now classified in the DSM-IV and most estimates say that around 10% of the general population suffers a noticeable shift in affect during the winter.
People who get to party with SAD every winter enjoy such symptoms as these:
1) Regularly occurring symptoms of depression (excessive eating and sleeping, weight gain) during the fall or winter months. (Yep, that's me. Just ask Dave how fucking much I've slept lately. It's a lot. Also, don't ask me how I gained 5 pounds all of a sudden when I can't gain weight any other time even if I try.)
2) Full remission from depression occurs in the spring and summer months. (Yep. Ever hang out with me in the spring and summer? I'm like a giddy 5-year old half the time.)
3) Symptoms have occurred in the past two years, with no nonseasonal depression episodes. (Yep, unless you count getting dumped in harsh fashion and having to recover from that as a depression episode...which I guess you can if you want, but at least I had a reason.)
4) Seasonal episodes substantially outnumber nonseasonal depression episodes. (Yep. Ask Barker or Rachael what a little bitch I suddenly become and how much more moral support I require once daylight savings time switches back.)
5) A craving for sugary and/or starchy foods. (Not sure I can count this one, as I crave these foods all year, and also Thanksgiving was only last week. There was pretty much nothing but turkey, sugar and starch on that table.)
6) Feeling of fatigue and inability to carry out normal routine (lllllllllike a MOTHERFUCKER)
7) Feelings of misery, guilt and loss of self-esteem, sometimes hopelessness and despair, sometimes apathy and loss of feelings (I dunno about misery...and really my ego could use the downsize...but I'm gonna say no on hopelessness or despair)
8) Tension and inability to tolerate stress (Yeah basically. I'm usually not one to avoid conflict, but I have been lately)
9) Decreased interest in sex and physical contact (hahahahahaha, no. I think nothing short of castration could do that to me.)
10) Irritability and desire to avoid social contact (oooh, let's roll with this one for a minute)
Now I don't want to make it sound worse than it is. I'm certainly not sitting here tying a noose just because it gets dark at 5:00 PM. Basically the worst it gets for me is that I'm much easier to piss off from about December to March. I was getting real pissed off about the dishes just now, and I also got pretty cranky with Barker earlier today for having multiple screen names on AIM. I mean honestly, what the fuck? Other highlights of my week include going off on Rachael for hanging out with her boyfriend instead of devoting a full night to drinking with me and Barker. She still hasn't spoken to me since that one, despite me getting into a much more jovial mood once drunk and leaving her (in my opinion) some pretty hilarious voicemails. I also threatened physical violence on several members of The Bathtub Dogs (http://www.bathtubdogs.com/) last night if they didn't stop singing "skeet skeet skeet" during the break of one of our songs...but I think I was justified on that one.
So what's a boy to do? Well, I'm not sure exactly. I'm not about to go on fucking Zoloft for 3 months every year, so basically I guess I just suck it up and exercise more to get that sweet, sweet endorphin rush. Oh, and I go tanning too. It's not so much because I want to look tan, because I really don't mind being pale. Tanning is a practice for which I am often verbally accosted, but here are the 4 reasons I go tanning:
1) I literally get a weird rash on my legs if I don't get enough UV exposure
2) My face and chest don't break out (I know, my chest. That's gross.) when I tan regularly
3) It's warm, unlike the entire rest of this goddamn state
4) It's a nice place for a 10-15 minute power nap
4.25) Hot girls work at the tanning place, but they're really obviously fake-baked, which is why this is only one fourth of a reason. Plus they know my last name, which all but ruins my chance for a decent first impression. Take a survey of girls who want their married name to be Beavers, and I bet you get damn near 0%.
Not long ago there was an article in the USA Today about how one particular study found that exposure to UV light via tanning beds was correlated with improved mood. They had people basically go tanning, and then had a control group who thought they were tanning, but didn't get UV light. The people getting the UV had better mood afterward, so I now have a 5th reason to go: maybe I won't be such a little bitch. I'll be orange, but cheerful! Okay, I won't be orange; I don't go that much...but every little bit of added happiness helps.
The worst it really gets is being tired more often and a bit more touchy, so as burdens go, it's a pretty light one to bear. Still, though, fuck you Seasonal Affective Disorder. What kind of bastard stepchild to hibernation are you anyway?
posted by Beav at 4:15 PM
1 Comments:
Whiney little bitch.
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